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The Kil Report
The Kil Report: Alternative Medicine,Scientific Method, Evil Skeptic, Scams, Fraud, Hoaxes, Critical Thinking, Enforma
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I Am the Very Model of a Skeptic Evangelical

By David Glück
Posted on: 4/5/2002

Kil should think twice before quitting his day job.


(Sung to the tune of “I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General”)

I am the very model of a skeptic evangelical
I’ve information rational, empirical and clinical
I know the precise moment when my thinking must turn critical
From alchemy to zombies and all sort of claims ethereal

I’m very well acquainted with the new age woo-woo paradigm
I understand why I must keep a relatively open mind
While faced with the unlikely chance that once perhaps some light may shine
When honestly considered though, it’s mostly been a waste of time

When honestly considered though, it’s mostly been a waste of time
When honestly considered though, it’s mostly been a waste of time
When honestly considered though, it’s mostly been a waste of time

I’m very good at sizing up a reasonable argument
I know the Uri Gellers and I know how all the spoons got bent
In short in matters rational, empirical and clinical
I am the very model of a skeptic evangelical

In short in matters rational, empirical and clinical
He is the very model of a skeptic evangelical

When I can hold the Bible up to skeptical analysis
When I can tell the Big Bang from a tale that’s told in Genesis
When I know that abduction is more likely sleep paralysis
And I can tell from evidence what’s real from tests and common sense

When I can tell a theory from what’s mainly hypothetical
When I can tell a scam from something worthy and more practical
When I know that a future can’t be foretold astrological
And I can tell a Nessy from a log, a boat or mackerel

And he can tell a Nessy from a log, a boat or mackerel
And he can tell a Nessy from a log, a boat or mackerel
And he can tell a Nessy from a log, a boat or mackerel

Then I can write a letter that is seething and incredulous
To Fox TV and TLC for airing the ridiculous
In short in matters rational, empirical and clinical
I am the very model of a skeptic evangelical

In short in matters rational, empirical and clinical
He is the very model of a skeptic evangelical

In fact, when I can say for certain, pyramids were for the dead
Nowhere in ancient Egypt were they seen as fashion for the head
When I can be appalled at psychic surgery and laetrile
I guarantee that hemlock tea is every bit as natural

When I can recognize appeals to test my own credulity
And I can catch each one thereby escaping with impunity
When I know that the speed of light has only one velocity
And I can tell a snake oil without checking its viscosity

And he can tell a snake oil without checking its viscosity
And he can tell a snake oil without checking its viscosity
And he can tell a snake oil without checking its viscosity

My skeptical pursuits have caused a few to say I’m cynical
I can say I’m not and not be one ounce hypocritical
And still in matters rational, empirical and clinical
I am the very model of a skeptic evangelical

And still in matters rational, empirical and clinical
He is the very model of a skeptic evangelical



Apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan.

Thanks to Dr. Slater for giving me the idea to do this even though I’m sure that was not his intention.



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