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The PQ Test

By Jimmy Reynolds
Posted on: 4/18/2002

Are you a conspiracy buff? Find out with our exclusive, self scoring PQ (Paranoia Quotient) test.

Are you a conspiracy buff? Find out with our exclusive, self scoring PQ (Paranoia Quotient) test.

Directions: It’s simple. Each of the ten questions has four possible answers. Select the answer that you think is closest to the truth, then see the scoring guide at the end of the test. This is not a scientific test. Scientists don’t know everything anyway.

1. What is the government really hiding at Area 51?
A. Secret new aircraft and related technology.
B. An illegal toxic waste dump.
C. UFOs and captured aliens.
D. The Russian submarine from Hunt for Red October.
2. Who really operates the mysterious black helicopters?
A. The U.S. Army - dark green paint looks black against a bright sky, especially to sleepy-eyed Art Bell fans.
B. Some rich guys playing a practical joke with their corporate JetRanger.
C. The sinister Shadow Government’s secret force of UN monitors.
D. “I seen one of ’em out between Idalou and Post. What would a helicopter be doin’ way out there? They gotta be UFOs in disguise.”
3. Who really killed JFK?
A. Lee Harvey Oswald, acting alone.
B. A small gang of conspirators.
C. An international conspiracy involving the CIA, FBI, the Pentagon, the media, the Mafia, [16,235 words deleted], space aliens, Atlantis survivors and the Plainview Flat Earth Society.
D. Nobody. He’s alive and well and living across from Elvis at Area 51.
4. Why do mainstream scientists reject creationism?
A. It’s a convoluted pseudoscience with no real scientific merit.
B. They think it’s a crude attempt to sneak religion into the classroom.
C. It threatens their prestige and job security interest.
D. They’ve been brainwashed by local witch covens and devil-cults.
5. Why did Art Bell announce his sudden retirement last fall?
A. It was probably a publicity stunt.
B. He had a sudden attack of conscience and rationality.
C. Skeptics kept writing him nasty letters.
D. The real Men In Black paid him a visit.
6. Why did Bell un-retire just as suddenly?
A. The wave of free publicity had exhausted itself.
B. Revenue projections cured him of conscience and rationality.
C. Psychics promised to protect him from Men In Black and hostile skeptics.
D. He is a man of vision and courage who will accept any risk to put the Truth before the American people.
7. Who really runs the United States?
A. Our elected leaders and a horde of civil-service bureaucrats.
B. Big Business and the Media.
C. Evil secret societies who manipulate history from behind the scenes.
D. The aliens at Area 51, with the help of highly paid agents who masquerade as skeptics and scoffers. [The checks are in the mail - JR]
8. Why can’t a new Suburban get 150 miles per gallon?
A. There isn’t that much chemical energy in a gallon of gasoline.
B. The technology would cost more than anyone is willing to pay.
C. The car companies aren’t as smart as the guys who advertise in the back of mechanics’ magazines.
D. Oil companies and car makers have suppressed the magic carburetor that would make it possible.
9. Why has SETI (the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence) so far failed to locate alien intelligence?
A. The universe is very large and SETI lacks adequate funds for a faster search.
B. There may not be any aliens close enough to contact.
C. They have succeeded and the government is covering it up.
D. The whole thing is a put-on. Aliens actually run SETI.
10. Why do UFO advocates place such great emphasis on cover-ups and conspiracies?
A. They have to account for the lack of hard evidence.
B. The movement attracts people who are predisposed to believe in “hidden truths.”
C. Excessive secrecy fuels suspicion and speculation.
D. There’s obviously a cover-up. The proof had to go somewhere.
11. What incentive do the world’s governments and scientists have to cover up the reality of alien visitations?
A. It doesn’t matter. It’s impossible that every government and almost every reputable astronomer in the world would go along with it for fifty seconds, let alone fifty years.
B. None. The military and most scientists would love for alien invaders/visitors to show up.
C. The worldwide shadow government knows that people would panic if they knew the Truth.
D. The economy would collapse if Earthlings knew about alien stuff like immortality pills, free energy, and big houses for everyone.
Scoring Guide: Give yourself 1 point for each ‘A’ answer, 2 for each ‘B’, 3 for a ‘C’, and 4 for each ‘D’. Find your PQ below:
11-15 points: You’re a skeptic, but you may find that hard to believe.

16-29 points: You can be a consumer-unit in the new age of unstructured knowledge. You won’t be alone; there’s one born every minute.

30-44 points: Sell your guns and seek professional help.
This article was originally published in the “Post-Rational” column of the North Texas Skeptic, P.O. Box 111794 Carrolton, TX, 75011-1799

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