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dimossi
Skeptic Friend
USA
141 Posts |
 Posted - 10/08/2001 : 14:14:58
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You Might Be a Fundie if ....
55. You believe that full-immersion baptism should be a near-death experience.
54. You believe the Grand Canyon was created in days or weeks.
53. You ban dancing because it may lead to "sin"
52. You celebrate the killing of a homosexual
51. You think that 2 metal beams, forming a cross, left over from the destruction of the WTC buildings and death of more than 6000 people, is a miracle from God
50. You see your minister run the other way whenever you're around.
49. You teach your toddler new words by asking him, "What would baby Jesus do?"
48. You buy your wife's mascara by the quart so she doesn't run out as often.
47. You volunteer your weekends to put RAPTURE! fliers on cars at Wal-Mart.
46. You organize a church raffle to raise money for new tires on the parsonage.
44. Prove a global flood by saying the Sphynx shows signs of water errosion.
43. You only listen to radio stations on the AM dial.
42. You buy all the men you know Old Spice and all the ladies Aquanet for Christmas.
41. You're a Gold member of Bob Larson's Ministries.
40. You view Richard Simmons as a bigger threat than, say, Saddam Hussein.
39. The University where you got your degree at only has one floor.
38. You won't let you kids see Santa because it's an anagram for Satan.
37. You boycott all Disney products because of their permisivness towards homosexuality.
36. You won't let your kids trick or treat because it glorifies ghosts and goblins.
35. You won't let your kids see "The Wizard of Oz" because it has a "good witch".
34. You burn the Harry Potter books
33. Your think science is the devil's work.
32. You voted for Dubya because he is a smart, sensible man.
31. You carry a paint scraper with you at all times to take those blasphemous "evolve" fish of of the heathen's cars.
30. You think the pope is the anti-christ.
29. You argue that evil exists because of freewill, yet you pray God will override some hot chick's freewill so that she'll have sex with you.
28. You actually think that prayer will protect you from terrorists.
27. You think that by praying for our President, he will never say anything stupid again.
26. You stub your toe, and then spend 2 days praying and trying to figure out what God's purpose in it was.
25. You're looking forward to rejoicing in heaven while unsaved friends and relatives are eternally suffering in hell.
24. You say, "I'm NOT doing this for YOU; I'm just doing it for JESUS."
23. You enjoy waking complete strangers up at 7am on a Saturday to invite them to your church.
22. You belief that having an orgasm is strictly for "multiplying" but secretly thank God it feels so damn good!
21. Your prayers before meals take longer than the meals do.
20. Your your dog is behaving strangely, you call an exorcist.
19. Your cure for the hiccups is "laying on of hands."
18. You say things like "If God seems distant, guess who moved??? You!!!"
17. You look at the smoke from a disaster and you see the devils face.
16. You see EVERYTHING to be a sign of the upcoming Apocalypse.
15. You keep an "Emergency Baptismal Kit" in your car.
14. You counter every challenge with, "Well, Scripture says ... "
13. You took a Bible to the prom.
12. You won't accept the word "logic" in a game of Scrabble.
11. You are outraged that someone, somewhere is enjoying their life and/or body.
10. You dispise that godless, left-wing commie Pat Buchanan.
9. You think Tammy Faye is too sexy for the five pounds of mascare she wears.
8. You believe that the ACLU is a tool of the anti-christ.
7. You believe that the Spainish Inconquistion was an example of "tough love" (stolen from an episode of Fraiser)
6. You think God is a Republican (and an American to boot)
5. You think that the sixth item in the Bill of Rights is "thou shall not kill."
4. You think fossils were sent here by the devil.
3. You think everyone who doesn't believe what you believe is miserable.
2. You want to replace science class with Bible study.
1. Your name happens to Pat Robertson or Jerry Farwell.
Any more?
"If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed." [Albert Einstein]
Edited by - dimossi on 10/08/2001 14:18:22
Edited by - dimossi on 10/08/2001 14:20:39
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James
SFN Regular
USA
754 Posts |
 Posted - 10/08/2001 : 18:14:25 [Permalink]
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Hey, hey, hey!
#40 is debatable...in fact, I think it has been proven Richard Simmons is a bigger threat than Hussein.
Prayer is nothing more than "spiritual masturbation". -theatheistknight |
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Valiant Dancer
Forum Goalie
USA
4826 Posts |
Posted - 10/09/2001 : 06:32:41 [Permalink]
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quote:
You Might Be a Fundie if ....
55. You believe that full-immersion baptism should be a near-death experience.
56. You are addicted to the ink on "The Watchtower".
57. You found it completely normal when a televangelist saw a 900 foot Jesus because you've seen him too.
58. The Moral Majority calls and asks you for advice.
59. Your responce to chalenges to your faith is "I rebuke you in the name of Jesus".
60. You buy "Satan Stomper" shoes from Tammy Faye Bakker.
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dimossi
Skeptic Friend
USA
141 Posts |
Posted - 10/11/2001 : 06:44:41 [Permalink]
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61. You believe dinosaurs were on Noah's Ark.
http://www.answersingenesis.org/docs2/4264news4-3-2000.asp
62. You have been "born-again" more often then you have had actual birthdays.
63. You say that the reason that God let your Father molest you, your whole childhood, was to strengthen your character.
64. You believe that a new "Bible-Diet" will allow you live for hundreds of years, just like pre-flood characters in the bible.
65. You have a database to keep track of all your wives.
66. When someone curses in your presence, you say "Get thee behind me, Satan!"
67. You've ever used aerosol air freshener to drive demons out of a room.
68. You excel in 'righteous anger'.
69. You make sure the bananas are already ripe before you buy them in case of rapture.
70. You think the bible verse, Lev.20:18, is not hilarious. (Lev.20:18 And if a man shall lie with a woman having her sickness, and shall uncover her nakedness;he hath discovered her fountain, and she hath uncovered the fountain of her blood: and both of them shall be cut off from among their people.)
71. You whisper when you say "Ding-dongs" at the snack counter.
72. You assume that the bible is completely true without doing any research, which is why the Atheists rip your arguments to shreds.
73. Your arguments always end with the phrase "your going to hell" or "Who knows the mysterious ways of God."
74. You will give any amount of ransom money to keep Oral Roberts from being called back to God.
75. When 6,000 people have died in a disaster, and three survive, you thank God for his mercy and compassion.
76. You say and believe: "There are no atheists in foxholes."
http://www.usatoday.com/news/comment/2001-10-01-ncguest1.htm
77. You think that if we had prayed for Bin Laden the terrorist attacks would never have happened.
http://www.houstonpress.com/issues/2001-09-27/insider2.html
78. Your piece of crap car finally dies yet you spend 10 times what the car is worth in order to fix it because you cherish the dozens of God/Jesus/Christian stickers on it.
79. Since you substituted your addiction of the crack pipe for Jesus, you claim that you are a living miracle.
80. You have a bible in every room of you house.
81. You've ever used the verse "Spare the rod, spoil the child" to defend child abuse.
82. You think a clump of cells has a soul.
83. You end every sentence with "God willin'".
84. You "pray over" every major purchase.
85. You stretch out the word Jesus into Jeeezzusssahhhhh.
86. You state with certainty that Catholics are not Christians.
87. You tell your children that there is no such thing as mental illness, it's really demon possession.
88. You picket a funeral to protest the deceased's "lifestyle".
89. You segregate your stamp drawer.
90. You douse a shrubbery in gasoline, toss a match, and try to strike up a conversation.
91. You have a "Mean People Suck" bumper sticker.
92. You've been hit with a restraining order for crucifying someone's pet snake.
93. Every time someone says "geez", you gasp in shock and slap them in the face.
94. You like Landover Baptist because you think it's serious.
95. Your native language is "Speaking in Tongues"
96. You think this Sai Baba pedophile is god
"If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed." [Albert Einstein] |
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Espritch
Skeptic Friend
USA
284 Posts |
Posted - 10/12/2001 : 11:58:07 [Permalink]
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quote:
96. You think this Sai Baba pedophile is god
If you think Sai Baba is god, you're not a fundy. You're a freakin fruitcake! Nuts! A few slices short of a loaf. The elevator doesn't quite reach the top floor. Etc.
That was a fascinating and rather disturbing article. A few parlor trick "materializations" and this guy manages to convince 8 million people that he's god. How pathetic can you get? 
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ZaphodBeeblebrox
Skeptic Friend
USA
117 Posts |
Posted - 10/15/2001 : 20:29:24 [Permalink]
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97. You've told Hispanics that naming their children Jesús, is Satanic.
98. You defend the Message "God Bless America" as Patriotic.
99. You'll be susprised when Heaven has a sign at the Gate, that says, "Unless you have a Receipt of Confession, you will be held Accountable, for ALL of your Sins".
100. You think that this number, is giving you the Evil Eye.
If you Ignore Your Rights, they WILL, go away.
Edited by - ZaphodBeeblebrox on 10/15/2001 20:30:08 |
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