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Valiant Dancer
Forum Goalie
USA
4826 Posts |
 Posted - 11/01/2005 : 07:12:10
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NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete financial statement, history, lineage, recent FBI
background check, psychiatric evaluation, and updated medical report from
your doctor.
NAME: ___________________________________
DATE OFBIRTH:____________________
HEIGHT:___________ WEIGHT:____________I.Q.__________ GPA____________
SOCIALSECURITY#_________________________________________________
DRIVERS LICENSE#________________________________________________
BOY SCOUT RANK:_________________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS:__________________________________________________
CITY/STATE_______________________________________________________
ZIP__________________
Number of year's parents married:__________________________________
Do you own a van? ____ A truck with oversized tires? ____ A waterbed?___
Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly ring? _______ Tattoo?_______
(IF YES TO ANY OF THESE QUESTIONS, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE THE PREMISES)
In 50 words or less, what does DO NOT TOUCH MY DAUGHTER MEAN TO YOU?
_________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?
_________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?
_________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
Congregation you attend:
_________________________________________________________________
How often do you attend?
_________________________________________________________________
When would it the best time to interview your father, mother, relatives, neighbors, minister/rabbi/priest, and past girlfriends?
(Supply phone numbers)____________________________________________
________________________________________________________________
What do you want to be IF you grow up?
__________________________________
ANSWER THESE SEMI-CONFIDENTIAL QUESTIONS BY FILLING IN THE BLANKS.
1. If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is
_______________________________________________________________
2. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my
_______________________________________________________________
3. A woman's place is in the
________________________________________________________________
4. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is
________________________________________________________________
5. When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her is
_________________________________________________________________
(NOTE: If the answer to #5 begins with "T" or "A", discontinue and it is advised that you leave the premises right now keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion.)
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE, UNDER THE PENALTY OF AS SLOW DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, SOLDIER ANT TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS DRIPPING WATER TORTURE, LECTROCUTION, AND THE JANET RENO KISS TORTURE.
____________________________________________ SIGNATURE
(That means your name, moron!)
Thank you for your interest in my daughter. Please allow four to six years for processing. Don't call us, we'll call you. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, anyway).Any attempt to make contact might cause you injury. If your application is rejected, two gentlemen with violin cases and cement shoes will notify you - one size fits all.
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Cthulhu/Asmodeus when you're tired of voting for the lesser of two evils
Brother Cutlass of Reasoned Discussion |
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filthy
SFN Die Hard
USA
14408 Posts |
Posted - 11/01/2005 : 07:49:27 [Permalink]
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Heh, an excellent application form.
Having raised 2 daughters as a single parent, I can dig it! I sincerely thank the gods that I don't believe in that those years are behind me, never to return.
"I wouldn't take a million for the daughters that I have, but I wouldn't give you a nickle for another one."
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"What luck for rulers that men do not think." -- Adolf Hitler (1889 - 1945)
"If only we could impeach on the basis of criminal stupidity, 90% of the Rethuglicans and half of the Democrats would be thrown out of office." ~~ P.Z. Myres
"The default position of human nature is to punch the other guy in the face and take his stuff." ~~ Dude
Brother Boot Knife of Warm Humanitarianism,
and Crypto-Communist! 
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ronnywhite
SFN Regular
501 Posts |
Posted - 11/03/2005 : 00:40:14 [Permalink]
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| I saw this the other day, and thought it was funny. Reminded me of Ruth Westheimer interview in Playboy magazine a long while back... asked why she didn't advocate her attitudes towards sex to her daughter, she said [paraphrase]"Because I'm a hippocrit, and when you're a parent, you will be, too." |
Ron White |
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Topic Locked
