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HalfMooner
Dingaling

Philippines
15821 Posts

Posted - 09/07/2006 :  18:20:35  Show Profile Send HalfMooner a Private Message
A Vegan snow-ape leading a large, shaggy Postcanine companion walks into a bar on Cygnus Cd. As they step up to the bar, the bartender looks up from wiping the counter and exclaims, "You can't bring pets in here!"

"It's okay," says the Postcanine, "I'm blind, and this is my seeing-eye pet."

"Oh, pardon me," the bartender says, rotating his defense-pincers in the pattern denoting intense embarrassment. "Please have two bowls of frull wine on the house."

The Postcanine and his snow-ape take their drinks to a low table near the entrance. After a few minutes, the Postcanine sees a Kulgan centauroid enter the bar, carrying a Human in an open saddle-pocket. "Hey, buddy," whispers the Postcanine, "The bartender doesn't allow pets, unless they are intended to assist handicapped entities. I told him that Frosty here is my seeing-eye pet, and he let him stay. You might want to try the same trick."

The Kulgan thanks the Postcanine, and walks up to the bar. The bartender takes one look at the Kulgan's Human and shouts, "No pets! Get that dirty thing out of here!"

"But barkeep, I'm a veteran, and was blinded while serving in the Anti-Prohibition War. This is my seeing-eye pet!"

The bartender makes a sweeping-away negation gesture with his pincers. "Do you take me for an idiot? I happen to know they don't give out Humans as seeing-eye pets!"

The Kulgan gasps, "They gave me a Human?"


Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive.

Edited by - HalfMooner on 09/07/2006 18:40:38

Cuneiformist
The Imperfectionist

USA
4953 Posts

Posted - 09/07/2006 :  18:26:16   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send Cuneiformist a Private Message
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HalfMooner
Dingaling

Philippines
15821 Posts

Posted - 09/07/2006 :  19:15:59   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send HalfMooner a Private Message
Bar Joke Too

A thirsty Flammarian walks into a bar and orders a cold pint of lager. As he's settling down at the bar, a Human runs up, steals his pint, and runs away. Astonished, he asks the bartender, "Whose Human was that?"

"Oh, Peppy belongs to our symphonium player over there," says the bartender, gesturing with his pincers. The Flammarian goes over to the symphonium player and asks it, "Do you know your Human stole my beer?"

"No, but if you can hum a few bars, I'll try to play it."


Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive.
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marfknox
SFN Die Hard

USA
3733 Posts

Posted - 09/07/2006 :  19:21:46   [Permalink]  Show Profile  Visit marfknox's Homepage  Send marfknox an AOL message Send marfknox a Private Message
As a hobby-SF-writer - I love those!

"Too much certainty and clarity could lead to cruel intolerance" -Karen Armstrong

Check out my art store: http://www.marfknox.etsy.com

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Dave W.
Info Junkie

USA
24848 Posts

Posted - 09/07/2006 :  20:24:06   [Permalink]  Show Profile  Visit Dave W.'s Homepage Send Dave W. a Private Message
An albino Arcturan walks into a bar with a Saladian gra!thang on its head. The bartender beeps with excitement, "Interest! Query: where did you acquire such a beast?"

The gra!thang pauses her primary pod-cleansing and replies, "I know not. It began as a small discontinuity of my ventral processes."

- Dave W. (Private Msg, EMail)
Evidently, I rock!
Why not question something for a change?
Visit Dave's Psoriasis Info, too.
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H. Humbert
SFN Die Hard

USA
4573 Posts

Posted - 09/07/2006 :  20:33:46   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send H. Humbert a Private Message
A green-flippered Dragbakonian swamp beast walks in and sits at the bar.

So the bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"


"A man is his own easiest dupe, for what he wishes to be true he generally believes to be true." --Demosthenes

"The first principle is that you must not fool yourself - and you are the easiest person to fool." --Richard P. Feynman

"Face facts with dignity." --found inside a fortune cookie
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HalfMooner
Dingaling

Philippines
15821 Posts

Posted - 09/08/2006 :  03:50:31   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send HalfMooner a Private Message
quote:
Originally posted by H. Humbert

A green-flippered Dragbakonian swamp beast walks in and sits at the bar.

So the bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"



Okay, now, H.H., do I have to come over there and tutor you in the fine art of establishing the premise for a punchline?

When I read your joke to my daughter earlier tonight, she told me that in some geeky circles, it must be common knowledge that Dragbakonian swamp-beasts, or at least the green-flippered species, have colichocephalic skulls. As a comedic rule of thumb, if an item of information is not taught in elementary school, then its existence in "common knowledge" should not be assumed when constructing a joke.

A footnote might have helped, or the insertion, between the first sentence and the second of something like:

"(Green-flippered Dragbakonian swamp beasts have very low colichocephalic indices, typically 75% and under.)"


That would have made your joke hilarious!

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Dave W.
Info Junkie

USA
24848 Posts

Posted - 09/08/2006 :  06:47:18   [Permalink]  Show Profile  Visit Dave W.'s Homepage Send Dave W. a Private Message
So a Venusian fire wallaby walks into a bar. The bartender says, "hey, we've got a drink named after you!"

The fire wallaby says, "you've got a drink named Earl?"

- Dave W. (Private Msg, EMail)
Evidently, I rock!
Why not question something for a change?
Visit Dave's Psoriasis Info, too.
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Cuneiformist
The Imperfectionist

USA
4953 Posts

Posted - 09/08/2006 :  06:58:32   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send Cuneiformist a Private Message
So two Greater Hrodian Gores walk into a bar, which is funny because you'd think that after the first Greater Hrodian Gore walked into it, the second one would have ducked!
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H. Humbert
SFN Die Hard

USA
4573 Posts

Posted - 09/08/2006 :  10:39:08   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send H. Humbert a Private Message
Sorry, Mooner. I figured everyone had heard the original. "A horse walks into a bar at Happy Hour..."


"A man is his own easiest dupe, for what he wishes to be true he generally believes to be true." --Demosthenes

"The first principle is that you must not fool yourself - and you are the easiest person to fool." --Richard P. Feynman

"Face facts with dignity." --found inside a fortune cookie
Edited by - H. Humbert on 09/08/2006 10:39:59
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Cuneiformist
The Imperfectionist

USA
4953 Posts

Posted - 09/08/2006 :  11:59:55   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send Cuneiformist a Private Message
quote:
Originally posted by H. Humbert

Sorry, Mooner. I figured everyone had heard the original. "A horse walks into a bar at Happy Hour..."



HH, Mooner was kidding!
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BigPapaSmurf
SFN Die Hard

3192 Posts

Posted - 09/08/2006 :  12:14:53   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send BigPapaSmurf a Private Message
The best bad jokes are obscure and make little sense. Then they can be defended as misinterpreted, heres mine.

Two gong-farmers walk into a bar and the bartender says "You two can stay but the bar-flys need to drink outside"

I like your jokes Mooner and I think the long faced joke works well without a disclaimer, though Im not opposed to it.

"...things I have neither seen nor experienced nor heard tell of from anybody else; things, what is more, that do not in fact exist and could not ever exist at all. So my readers must not believe a word I say." -Lucian on his book True History

"...They accept such things on faith alone, without any evidence. So if a fraudulent and cunning person who knows how to take advantage of a situation comes among them, he can make himself rich in a short time." -Lucian critical of early Christians c.166 AD From his book, De Morte Peregrini
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HalfMooner
Dingaling

Philippines
15821 Posts

Posted - 09/08/2006 :  14:19:01   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send HalfMooner a Private Message
The absolutely silliest things in the Universe, aside from a couple of Creationists I could name, are:

1. Explaining a particular joke. And

2. Explaining the "rules" of jokes in general.

A young Cusionian sage-maggot steps up on Amateur Open Mic Night at the local comedy club. It begins a monologue filled with hot topical subjects, and soon has the audience rolling in the aisles. After thirty minutes of hilarity, the Cusionian knows it has the crowd fully in its tentacular grasp. Three agents and a producer in the audience have already sent text messages to its PDA. Its long-dreamed career in comedy is assured -- all it needs now to seal the deal is a strong closing gag.

"About 14 billion years ago," the Cusionian quips, "those morons inhabiting the previous iteration of the universe forgot their mortgage payment. They had their universe placed in foreclosure."

The silence could be cut with a knife. The four PDA messages are cancelled. The Cusionian looks at the audience in dismay, seeing nothing but shocked faces, where an instant before there was mirth. Sweating profusely now, it adjusts its necktie.

"Too soon?"


Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive.
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HalfMooner
Dingaling

Philippines
15821 Posts

Posted - 09/08/2006 :  15:56:16   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send HalfMooner a Private Message
A drunken Thalamander staggers in the front door of a bar. She seats herself at the bar, belches, and loudly orders a drink. She already reeks of strong spirits.

The bartender, gesturing polite negation with subtle pincer movements, tells the drunk, "I'm sorry, Ma'am, but the policy of this establishment is not to serve alcoholic beverages to anyone who is already inebriated. But perhaps I could call a taxi for you?"

The Thalamander just sits weaving and speechless on the barstool, so the bartender takes it upon himself to a call a taxi.

A few minutes later, the same Thalamander wobbles back into the bar via the side entrance. She leans on the counter, belches in the bartender's face, and demands, "Barkeep, gimme a Bo÷tean whiskey on the rocks, and make it a double!"

Still politely gesturing, the bartender says, "Perhaps I did not express myself clearly the last time. I fear I cannot serve you any drinks, because you have already had more than enough." This time without asking, he calls for a taxi again.

Another few minutes pass. The Thalamander bursts through the bar's rear service door and sways drunkenly toward the bar.

Now the bartender has had enough. Gesturing with firm rejection signals, he says, "Madame, you are stinking drunk. I will not serve you a drink no matter how often you return here. You are henceforth unwelcome in this establishment. Now, shall I call a taxi one final time, or do you prefer that a police cruiser provide you with transportation?"

The Thalamander stares besottedly at the bartender. "Just how many bars do you work at, anyway?"


Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive.
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H. Humbert
SFN Die Hard

USA
4573 Posts

Posted - 09/08/2006 :  16:14:31   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send H. Humbert a Private Message
quote:
Originally posted by Cuneiformist
HH, Mooner was kidding!



"A man is his own easiest dupe, for what he wishes to be true he generally believes to be true." --Demosthenes

"The first principle is that you must not fool yourself - and you are the easiest person to fool." --Richard P. Feynman

"Face facts with dignity." --found inside a fortune cookie
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HalfMooner
Dingaling

Philippines
15821 Posts

Posted - 09/11/2006 :  11:35:27   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send HalfMooner a Private Message
A Nam walks into a bar. In one corner, he sees a Postcanine licking his genitals.

The Nam turns to the bartender, grins, and says, "I sure wish I could do that!"

The bartender, waving his pincers in a cautionary gesture, replies, "Fine, but I advise you to buy him a drink or two first."


Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive.
Edited by - HalfMooner on 09/11/2006 11:38:36
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