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Dr. Mabuse
Septic Fiend

Sweden
9465 Posts

Posted - 09/06/2006 :  20:52:37  Show Profile  Send Dr. Mabuse an ICQ Message Send Dr. Mabuse a Private Message
Two preachers met over a cup of coffee every Wednesday. They used this meeting to exchange experiences and support each other. One Wednesday one of the preachers said:
Preacher1 "You know, my bike has been stolen... Very annoying."
Preacher2 "Are you sure it's stolen, you haven't forgot it somewhere?"
P1 "Yeah, I'm sure, I've looked everywhere."
P2 "Ok, I'm gonna share something I did when I got something stolen: Start the Sunday sermon about hellfire, then read the ten commandments. And when you do, put extra stress on 'though shall not steal'. Then finish off with those who have sinned but ask forgiveness and make right, they shall be forgiven. Something important was stolen from me once, and this sermon did the trick."
P1 "Wow. I'll have to try that.

The following meeting preacher1 was in good mood.
P2 "Did you get your bike back?"
P1 "Well you know, the funniest thing happened. I was standing there preaching, and when I came to 'thou shall not covet your neighbour's wife' I recalled where I left the bike."

Dr. Mabuse - "When the going gets tough, the tough get Duct-tape..."
Dr. Mabuse whisper.mp3

"Equivocation is not just a job, for a creationist it's a way of life..." Dr. Mabuse

Support American Troops in Iraq:
Send them unarmed civilians for target practice..
Collateralmurder.

Ricky
SFN Die Hard

USA
4907 Posts

Posted - 09/06/2006 :  21:47:35   [Permalink]  Show Profile  Send Ricky an AOL message Send Ricky a Private Message
This Jewish man goes to his rabbi with a problem.

"Rabbi," he says, "I am very upset, and I don't know what to do. My son has become a Christian."

The rabbi says: "I don't know what to to tell you. My son has also become a Christian."

"Really? Well, what did you do, rabbi?"

"I prayed to God."

"You did? And did He answer?"

"Yes, He answered."

"Well, what did He say?"

"He said he didn't know what to do either: His son also became a Christian!"

Why continue? Because we must. Because we have the call. Because it is nobler to fight for rationality without winning than to give up in the face of continued defeats. Because whatever true progress humanity makes is through the rationality of the occasional individual and because any one individual we may win for the cause may do more for humanity than a hundred thousand who hug their superstitions to their breast.
- Isaac Asimov
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HalfMooner
Dingaling

Philippines
15821 Posts

Posted - 09/07/2006 :  02:25:53   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send HalfMooner a Private Message
Three bipeds walk into an alcohol-imbibing establishment on Cygnus Cf: A Taurean, a Lesser Magellanic, and a Human with a large, shaggy Postcanine companion. The bartender looks up from wioping the counter and exclaims, "You can'y ha

Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive.
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Dr. Mabuse
Septic Fiend

Sweden
9465 Posts

Posted - 09/07/2006 :  09:18:11   [Permalink]  Show Profile  Send Dr. Mabuse an ICQ Message Send Dr. Mabuse a Private Message
quote:
Originally posted by HalfMooner

Three bipeds walk into an alcohol-imbibing establishment on Cygnus Cf: A Taurean, a Lesser Magellanic, and a Human with a large, shaggy Postcanine companion. The bartender looks up from wioping the counter and exclaims, "You can'y ha


Uh, HalfMooner... I think something got lost in the translation

Dr. Mabuse - "When the going gets tough, the tough get Duct-tape..."
Dr. Mabuse whisper.mp3

"Equivocation is not just a job, for a creationist it's a way of life..." Dr. Mabuse

Support American Troops in Iraq:
Send them unarmed civilians for target practice..
Collateralmurder.
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Valiant Dancer
Forum Goalie

USA
4801 Posts

Posted - 09/07/2006 :  10:14:58   [Permalink]  Show Profile  Visit Valiant Dancer's Homepage Send Valiant Dancer a Private Message
Jesus and Moses are walking along the Red Sea.

Moses says, "I wonder if I still got it."

He moves his hands apart and the waters part. He puts them back together and says, "yup, still got it."

Jesus says, "I wonder if I still got it."

He starts walking out over the water. He starts off pretty well, by notices that he has started sinking. He hurries towards shore but by the time he gets there, he is drenched.

Moses looks down and says, "I think I see your problem, boss. Last time you tried this you didn't have the holes in your feet."

Cthulhu/Asmodeus when you're tired of voting for the lesser of two evils

Brother Cutlass of Reasoned Discussion
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H. Humbert
SFN Die Hard

USA
4573 Posts

Posted - 09/07/2006 :  12:50:17   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send H. Humbert a Private Message
quote:
Originally posted by Dr. Mabuse

quote:
Originally posted by HalfMooner

Three bipeds walk into an alcohol-imbibing establishment on Cygnus Cf: A Taurean, a Lesser Magellanic, and a Human with a large, shaggy Postcanine companion. The bartender looks up from wioping the counter and exclaims, "You can'y ha


Uh, HalfMooner... I think something got lost in the translation

Looks like he stopped typing mid-sentence. It's also his last post here. Let's just hope he fell asleep and nothing more serious happened.


"A man is his own easiest dupe, for what he wishes to be true he generally believes to be true." --Demosthenes

"The first principle is that you must not fool yourself - and you are the easiest person to fool." --Richard P. Feynman

"Face facts with dignity." --found inside a fortune cookie
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JohnOAS
SFN Regular

Australia
800 Posts

Posted - 09/07/2006 :  15:19:29   [Permalink]  Show Profile  Visit JohnOAS's Homepage Send JohnOAS a Private Message
quote:
Originally posted by H. Humbert

Looks like he stopped typing mid-sentence. It's also his last post here. Let's just hope he fell asleep and nothing more serious happened.


Yeah, but he managed to click the submit/post button, so hopefully, as you've hinted, it isn't too serious.

John's just this guy, you know.
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Dr. Mabuse
Septic Fiend

Sweden
9465 Posts

Posted - 09/07/2006 :  16:00:03   [Permalink]  Show Profile  Send Dr. Mabuse an ICQ Message Send Dr. Mabuse a Private Message
quote:
Originally posted by H. Humbert
Looks like he stopped typing mid-sentence. It's also his last post here. Let's just hope he fell asleep and nothing more serious happened.
Well, he did managed to hit the "Post New Reply" after he stopped typing... Let's just hope he's pulling our legs.

Edit:
Doh! Too late.

Dr. Mabuse - "When the going gets tough, the tough get Duct-tape..."
Dr. Mabuse whisper.mp3

"Equivocation is not just a job, for a creationist it's a way of life..." Dr. Mabuse

Support American Troops in Iraq:
Send them unarmed civilians for target practice..
Collateralmurder.
Edited by - Dr. Mabuse on 09/07/2006 16:01:10
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marfknox
SFN Die Hard

USA
3733 Posts

Posted - 09/07/2006 :  16:27:38   [Permalink]  Show Profile  Visit marfknox's Homepage  Send marfknox an AOL message Send marfknox a Private Message
Two Muslim immigrants come to the USA and make an agreement to meet back up in a year to see who is more assimilated into American culture (both intend to embrace American culture).

They meet back in one year, and the first guy drives up in an SUV. He's wearing a cowboy hat, t-shirt and jeans. He says, "I live in the suburbs with my wife, kid, cat and dog, 2 televisions, go to church every Sunday, eat at McDonald's three times a week, and I simply can't get enough apple pie."

The second guy says, "You fuckin' raghead."

"Too much certainty and clarity could lead to cruel intolerance" -Karen Armstrong

Check out my art store: http://www.marfknox.etsy.com

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HalfMooner
Dingaling

Philippines
15821 Posts

Posted - 09/07/2006 :  18:50:49   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send HalfMooner a Private Message
quote:
Originally posted by Dr. Mabuse

quote:
Originally posted by HalfMooner

Three bipeds walk into an alcohol-imbibing establishment on Cygnus Cf: A Taurean, a Lesser Magellanic, and a Human with a large, shaggy Postcanine companion. The bartender looks up from wioping the counter and exclaims, "You can'y ha


Uh, HalfMooner... I think something got lost in the translation

Oops, sorry! That joke was on me. It was a part of the first draft for "Bar Joke 1," which I finally posted separately in a much-edited form. Don't know how I posted that fragment, but it was accidental, and I was in a rush to get to an appointment.


Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive.
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HalfMooner
Dingaling

Philippines
15821 Posts

Posted - 09/07/2006 :  19:31:27   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send HalfMooner a Private Message
All (except my alarming fragment) were fine and funny. I especially liked Marf's as it is so damned topical. The second Muslim has gotten the whole assimilation thing down, American style.


Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive.
Edited by - HalfMooner on 09/07/2006 19:31:54
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HalfMooner
Dingaling

Philippines
15821 Posts

Posted - 09/07/2006 :  19:38:51   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send HalfMooner a Private Message
This one found on the Web, and left intact:

A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure?"

The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club."


Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive.
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HalfMooner
Dingaling

Philippines
15821 Posts

Posted - 09/07/2006 :  19:43:20   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send HalfMooner a Private Message
Another one I did not write:

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

"How do you know this, Sister?"

"My Mother Superior told me so."

"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"

"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"

"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.

"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"


Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive.
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HalfMooner
Dingaling

Philippines
15821 Posts

Posted - 09/07/2006 :  19:49:25   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send HalfMooner a Private Message
Another "found" joke:

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"


Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive.
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HalfMooner
Dingaling

Philippines
15821 Posts

Posted - 09/07/2006 :  19:59:37   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send HalfMooner a Private Message
I cannot take credit for this one, either:

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.

"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."


Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive.
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HalfMooner
Dingaling

Philippines
15821 Posts

Posted - 09/07/2006 :  20:57:31   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send HalfMooner a Private Message
Yet another:

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"

The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."


Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive.
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