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HalfMooner
Dingaling

Philippines
15831 Posts

Posted - 11/09/2006 :  02:55:12  Show Profile Send HalfMooner a Private Message
Berkeley, California, Nov. 9, 2006 (AP) -- Scientists working at UC's National Alternative Fuels Laboratory have announced that they have discovered a way to produce coal artificially.

"No longer do we need to worry that someday, however far in the future that might be, we will run out of this vital fossil fuel. The future of our essential coal-powered electrical generating plants is secure," said Dr. Patricia Erving, lead scientist of the NAFL's "Synthecoal" research project.

The Synthecoal Initiative was launched by the Bush Administration in 2002, in a bid to "... assure the continuing strategic primacy of fossil fuels."


Coal-powered electrical generation plant:
No longer an endangered species.

The newly-discovered process involves the controlled decompression of naturally-found carbon crystals. The Bush Administration, according to Dr. Erving, is "proactively negotiating with the De Beers corporation of Johannesburg, South Africa to assure a steady supply of carbon crystals to the US," in anticipation of the Synthecoal process becoming industrially widespread.

Meanwhile, another NAFL project is said to be close to announcing a breakthrough in creating gasoline from the renewable resource of whale blubber.


Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive.

Edited by - HalfMooner on 11/10/2006 14:01:33

H. Humbert
SFN Die Hard

USA
4574 Posts

Posted - 11/09/2006 :  03:07:11   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send H. Humbert a Private Message
quote:
Originally posted by HalfMooner
Meanwhile, another NAFL project is said to be close to announcing a breakthrough in creating gasoline from the renewable resource of whale blubber.
Whale blubber? How on Earth could that ever be an economically viable vehicle fuel? We'd be better off switching back to steam-powered vehicles and just burning trees. Or that artificial coal.


"A man is his own easiest dupe, for what he wishes to be true he generally believes to be true." --Demosthenes

"The first principle is that you must not fool yourself - and you are the easiest person to fool." --Richard P. Feynman

"Face facts with dignity." --found inside a fortune cookie
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HalfMooner
Dingaling

Philippines
15831 Posts

Posted - 11/09/2006 :  03:11:48   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send HalfMooner a Private Message
quote:
Originally posted by H. Humbert

quote:
Originally posted by HalfMooner
Meanwhile, another NAFL project is said to be close to announcing a breakthrough in creating gasoline from the renewable resource of whale blubber.
Whale blubber? How on Earth could that ever be an economically viable vehicle fuel? We'd be better off switching back to steam-powered vehicles and just burning trees. Or that artificial coal.



Agreed, and agreed, H.H. But please note the forum in which this is posted.


Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive.
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filthy
SFN Die Hard

USA
14408 Posts

Posted - 11/09/2006 :  03:24:06   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send filthy a Private Message





"What luck for rulers that men do not think." -- Adolf Hitler (1889 - 1945)

"If only we could impeach on the basis of criminal stupidity, 90% of the Rethuglicans and half of the Democrats would be thrown out of office." ~~ P.Z. Myres


"The default position of human nature is to punch the other guy in the face and take his stuff." ~~ Dude

Brother Boot Knife of Warm Humanitarianism,

and Crypto-Communist!

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Dr. Mabuse
Septic Fiend

Sweden
9677 Posts

Posted - 11/09/2006 :  04:05:52   [Permalink]  Show Profile  Send Dr. Mabuse an ICQ Message Send Dr. Mabuse a Private Message
quote:
Originally posted by H. Humbert
Whale blubber? How on Earth could that ever be an economically viable vehicle fuel? We'd be better off switching back to steam-powered vehicles and just burning trees. Or that artificial coal.

Actually (and this is no joke) Finns are building an Eco-diesel manufacturing plant in Finland, there will be processing among other things biological refuse from slaughter houses. Using whale blubber would be prime raw material.

Crystalline carbon and South Africa should give some hints as to what kind of "coal" should be used in the opening post.

Dr. Mabuse - "When the going gets tough, the tough get Duct-tape..."
Dr. Mabuse whisper.mp3

"Equivocation is not just a job, for a creationist it's a way of life..." Dr. Mabuse

Support American Troops in Iraq:
Send them unarmed civilians for target practice..
Collateralmurder.
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filthy
SFN Die Hard

USA
14408 Posts

Posted - 11/09/2006 :  04:15:22   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send filthy a Private Message
There's one in the US as well, I think, in PA. It's close to a turkey processing plant, where it gets it's material. Strictly experimantal, though.

The De Beers reference is also a dead giveaway.

Heh, this actually sounds like something the Bush administration would come up with....




"What luck for rulers that men do not think." -- Adolf Hitler (1889 - 1945)

"If only we could impeach on the basis of criminal stupidity, 90% of the Rethuglicans and half of the Democrats would be thrown out of office." ~~ P.Z. Myres


"The default position of human nature is to punch the other guy in the face and take his stuff." ~~ Dude

Brother Boot Knife of Warm Humanitarianism,

and Crypto-Communist!

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BigPapaSmurf
SFN Die Hard

3192 Posts

Posted - 11/09/2006 :  06:29:00   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send BigPapaSmurf a Private Message
Why not? We can manufacture giant diamonds indistinguishable from the real thing nowadays, In the future, when we adapt, global cooling will be a problem and we will need to burn extra coal to keep the temperature stable at 40C.

"...things I have neither seen nor experienced nor heard tell of from anybody else; things, what is more, that do not in fact exist and could not ever exist at all. So my readers must not believe a word I say." -Lucian on his book True History

"...They accept such things on faith alone, without any evidence. So if a fraudulent and cunning person who knows how to take advantage of a situation comes among them, he can make himself rich in a short time." -Lucian critical of early Christians c.166 AD From his book, De Morte Peregrini
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Original_Intent
SFN Regular

USA
609 Posts

Posted - 11/09/2006 :  06:41:33   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send Original_Intent a Private Message
quote:
Originally posted by HalfMooner

quote:
Originally posted by H. Humbert

quote:
Originally posted by HalfMooner
Meanwhile, another NAFL project is said to be close to announcing a breakthrough in creating gasoline from the renewable resource of whale blubber.
Whale blubber? How on Earth could that ever be an economically viable vehicle fuel? We'd be better off switching back to steam-powered vehicles and just burning trees. Or that artificial coal.



Agreed, and agreed, H.H. But please note the forum in which this is posted.





LOLOLOL.... I did the same thing. I was all like WTF???????? What is he smoking?????

Peace
Joe
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Dave W.
Info Junkie

USA
26012 Posts

Posted - 11/09/2006 :  10:17:06   [Permalink]  Show Profile  Visit Dave W.'s Homepage Send Dave W. a Private Message
By the time I'd read down to the photo, I was sure I knew what the punchline was going to be - a process wherein barrels of oil were compressed into lumps of coal (requiring, of course, more energy than the coal provides). Silly me, I had the process almost completely backwards!

- Dave W. (Private Msg, EMail)
Evidently, I rock!
Why not question something for a change?
Visit Dave's Psoriasis Info, too.
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Chippewa
SFN Regular

USA
1496 Posts

Posted - 11/09/2006 :  10:58:14   [Permalink]  Show Profile  Visit Chippewa's Homepage Send Chippewa a Private Message
Synthetic whale blubber has to be invented first, then the process all falls into place.
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Chippewa
SFN Regular

USA
1496 Posts

Posted - 11/09/2006 :  11:06:43   [Permalink]  Show Profile  Visit Chippewa's Homepage Send Chippewa a Private Message
On the other hand, aren't they overlooking the whole methane-electrical generating-power "from simple pleasures" proposal sponsored by Van Camp corporation?
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HalfMooner
Dingaling

Philippines
15831 Posts

Posted - 11/09/2006 :  19:01:52   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send HalfMooner a Private Message
Thanks very, very much, people, for all the feedback! It's really useful, as I try to tune my attempts at humor. And you've contributed a good deal of humor of your own in the process.

It now appears to me that the "sweet spot" to aim for here is on the subtle end of the humor spectrum.

This means that in aiming for that end of the spectrum, there will be occasional casualties, readers who miss the gag. (But even that sad sight can be a source of laughs for others.) And of course, when I am twitting people like NeoCons or Creationists, some (like my Bobo O'Bananas) will naturally not see much humor in having their own oxen gored, even were I a perfect writer.

Some random observations:

To plausibly simulate the structure of real news stories, these fake news items need to be, at least on the surface, in the traditional "inverted pyramid" form of newspaper journalism. (This structure means that the most important information is at the top, with increasing detail -- and decreasing importance -- as the story goes along. This structure allows newspaper editors to trim off the bottom of a story at almost any point, to make it fit available space, without destroying the meaning of the story.)

But there is a contrary theme that has to be fitted into a fake story like mine. While the narrative of the story is growing apparently less important, hints at its gag elements have to grow less and less subtle. This hopefully allows for readers at different levels of perception to "get it," each at that reader's appropriate moment. So the story presents a slippery slope from the plausible at the beginning, to the wholly absurd at the end. If all goes well, somewhere along the line each reader will find a personal point or two where he or she will giggle.

More on the Natural Laws of Humor as I figure them out.


Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive.
Edited by - HalfMooner on 11/09/2006 19:05:20
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H. Humbert
SFN Die Hard

USA
4574 Posts

Posted - 11/09/2006 :  19:16:39   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send H. Humbert a Private Message
quote:
Originally posted by HalfMooner
Agreed, and agreed, H.H. But please note the forum in which this is posted.
Well, that explains it.

I didn't pay enough attention to figure out what was implied by "carbon crystals," just sort of skimmed over that term.


"A man is his own easiest dupe, for what he wishes to be true he generally believes to be true." --Demosthenes

"The first principle is that you must not fool yourself - and you are the easiest person to fool." --Richard P. Feynman

"Face facts with dignity." --found inside a fortune cookie
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HalfMooner
Dingaling

Philippines
15831 Posts

Posted - 11/09/2006 :  19:38:01   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send HalfMooner a Private Message
Humor is necessarily edgy stuff. Mistakes were made, innocent people got cut. Shit happens, we move on.


Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive.
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Chippewa
SFN Regular

USA
1496 Posts

Posted - 11/09/2006 :  20:05:29   [Permalink]  Show Profile  Visit Chippewa's Homepage Send Chippewa a Private Message
quote:
Originally posted by H. Humbert

...I didn't pay enough attention to figure out what was implied by "carbon crystals," just sort of skimmed over that term.


Though I'm a nature-loving Chippewa, I'm not adverse to advanced technology. In fact, I have photon generators in every room!
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HalfMooner
Dingaling

Philippines
15831 Posts

Posted - 11/09/2006 :  21:45:23   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send HalfMooner a Private Message
quote:
Originally posted by Chippewa

quote:
Originally posted by H. Humbert

...I didn't pay enough attention to figure out what was implied by "carbon crystals," just sort of skimmed over that term.


Though I'm a nature-loving Chippewa, I'm not adverse to advanced technology. In fact, I have photon generators in every room!

Well, I suppose you Chippewas are okay, now that you're at last embracing the civilization embodied in the innovations of Thomas Edison, Thomas Crapper, etc.

It's those backward, savage Ojibwas, Aanishanabe, and Salteurs who are the Red Men that worry me. They're plotting something. I heard some of that lot the other day, muttering something about a "sandy lake," and how, because of that, they like to do unto the "Gichi-mookomaan" what they once did unto the "Naadawensiw."


Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive.
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