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15831 Posts

Posted - 09/07/2008 :  01:47:51  Show Profile Send HalfMooner a Private Message  Reply with Quote

We salute our senior bikers

Our State is experiencing an unprecedented growth in the popularity of motorcycles and scooters, as well as a massive "graying" of its population. Thus it is no wonder that two-wheel motor vehicle use is booming among oldsters. Despite the alarming parallel growth in senior biker gang violence, we at the DMV salute our elderly biker neighbors. We hope you will all "Get in the wind."

Surrendering to Demographic Reality

By the year 2030, it has been estimated that 75% of the American population will be over 75. These people of course include 75% of voters and taxpayers alike. And they include virtually 100% of bikers, including the "one-percenters."

Debunking the Myth

Myth: The DMV automatically re-examines bikers after they get to a certain age.

Fact: And just what "certain age" might that be? Might that be the same age at which citizens are no longer allowed to vote for the Governor, who appoints the DMV Director? Hah!

The truth is, we DMV bureaucrats don't want any trouble from gangs of seniors who could vote us out of our jobs. Also, since motorcycle accidents hardly ever cause fatalities to anyone except those actually riding the bikes, and rarely damage any significant amount of property aside from the motorcycles themselves, the non-motorcycling public (including voters and the DMV itself) don't give a fig whether or how bikers murder themselves. For anyone over 55, all classifications of motorcycle operating licenses are issued by the DMV upon demand, for a $50.00 fee.

DMV "Cycle Vehicle" Classifications

There are three hundred and twenty-seven types of motor-powered cycles. These fall into several classes by DMV definition, as shown below. Like other types of motor vehicles, cycle vehicles are governed by the "Rules of the Road." (The one exception is the motor unicycle, which is governed by the "Rules of the Circus." See the State Circus and Carnival Safety Act of 1922.)

As a general rule of thumb, the fewer wheels a cycle has, the cooler you will look riding it. However, going to the extreme of having no wheels at all is excessive.

(Caution: "None" is one less wheel than "one." Thus, thinking to own a vehicle with no wheels at all, some elderly prospective cyclists have purchased foreign-made "nonocycles" in the pursuit of extreme cooliousity. These cheaply-made vehicles are usually produced by children in Chinese prisons, who cut old 18-wheeler tractor-trailer rigs in half, down the middle. Also please note the the "nono-" prefix in "nonocycles" refers to it having nine wheels, not "none." Riding a nonocycle is very uncool indeed.)

Motor Unicycles:

The Motor Unicycle, also known as the Moto-Uni, is an idea that someone always seems to reinvent every few months. There are never improved versions of Moto-Unis, because the inventors don't live long enough.

A Moto-Uni


DMV regulations define a "motorcycle" as any non-human-powered vehicle with either two or three wheels. Power may be provided by gas, diesel, electricity, steam, or beast of burden.

Examples of actual motorcycles:

Two-wheel, side-by-side configuration;
State Motorcycle Troopers chasing evildoer

Two-wheel, in-line configuration;
The evildoer being chased by State Motorcycle Troopers

An example of something which is not a motorcycle:

Single wheel and pedal assist disqualifies this as a motorcycle

Protective clothing required by law:

State law requires all senior motorcyclists and their senior passengers to wear at least one item of protective clothing.

This safety-conscious old gentleman is wearing
both a helmet and protective eye wear

Good Luck, Old-Timers! You're on your own!

Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive.

Edited by - HalfMooner on 09/07/2008 02:46:55

SFN Die Hard

14408 Posts

Posted - 09/07/2008 :  03:45:41   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send filthy a Private Message  Reply with Quote

The best Geezer ride ever!

Chevy V-8 Boss Hoss. I've ridden one of these. They are, um, interesting, and indeed perfect for terrorizing just about anything and anyone in the Senior's Center or on the grounds of the nursing home.

This one's a bit garish for my taste, but a couple of flat-black spray bombs'll take care of that.

"What luck for rulers that men do not think." -- Adolf Hitler (1889 - 1945)

"If only we could impeach on the basis of criminal stupidity, 90% of the Rethuglicans and half of the Democrats would be thrown out of office." ~~ P.Z. Myres

"The default position of human nature is to punch the other guy in the face and take his stuff." ~~ Dude

Brother Boot Knife of Warm Humanitarianism,

and Crypto-Communist!

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SFN Regular

1383 Posts

Posted - 09/07/2008 :  06:22:53   [Permalink]  Show Profile  Visit Hawks's Homepage Send Hawks a Private Message  Reply with Quote
Couldn't find a better picture than this:

Some of you might recognise it for what it is.

It's a small, off-duty czechoslovakian traffic warden!
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SFN Regular

1496 Posts

Posted - 09/07/2008 :  23:01:19   [Permalink]  Show Profile  Visit Chippewa's Homepage Send Chippewa a Private Message  Reply with Quote
As a youngster in Arizona years ago, I got to ride my wild Indian father's Moto Guzzi just a few times. He'd disappear on it for a while but always return in one piece. It was black, and looked exactly like this one and just as shiny and pretty. Yes, very Italian - (you sit leaning forward so your head can absorb any damage in case of misjudgments. It protects the bike too.)

Moto Guzzi "El Dorato"

A nice British lady taught my dad to ride motorcycles. She was one of those women that drove motorbikes all over England delivering messages during WWII. Dad eventually sold the bike and got back into sports cars.

Diversity, independence, innovation and imagination are progressive concepts ultimately alien to the conservative mind.

"TAX AND SPEND" IS GOOD! (TAX: Wealthy corporations who won't go poor even after taxes. SPEND: On public works programs, education, the environment, improvements.)
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