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 God recalls entire Vertebrate lineup
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HalfMooner
Dingaling

Philippines
15821 Posts

Posted - 11/17/2009 :  22:17:42  Show Profile Send HalfMooner a Private Message  Reply with Quote
Citing "huge engineering blunders," Designer pledges full redesign

Heaven, November 17, 2009 (SNN) -- In a remarkable departure from His usual demeanor (which pundits have charitably described as an "arrogant executive style"), the Lord of Hosts today humbly apologized for His accumulated design errors.


The Lord God kludged us all.

"It's back to the drawing board for Us," said Yahweh, the Deity's voice cracking in emotion as He announced the recall of His entire lineup of Vertebrates. "When We first beheld the Chordates We had Created, We saw they were good. We made incremental design changes to them over the eons, and We saw the results were also good.

"Then We brought out the Vertebrate line. Soon We began to have some niggling doubts. We tweaked the vertebrate eye for instance, doing a patchwork job which left a blind spot and the neural wiring between the incoming light and the photo receptor cells. Over deep time, we added other "work-arounds" such as Our morphing of an early-model segmental gill nerve. We gradually made this nerve into the recurrent laryngeal nerve, which now bizarrely routes from the brain, around an artery near the heart, and all the way back to the voice box. In creations like Our Giraffe model, this has become an embarrassment that would make Rube Goldberg blush with shame.

"The appendix and the spinal column in Our Upright Ape models have also been travesties, along with hundreds of thousands of other kludges that We have allowed to creep into Vertebrate design over time. Yet We made each of these tweaks after consulting Our accountants. These angels assured Us that their analysis of 'marginal cost' showed that the benefit of each incremental tweak outweighed its disadvantage.

"And behold, Our design flaws accumulated. Ultimately, this short-sightedness is Our fault, and, though Our bean-counters have been cast, screaming, into the Lake of Fire, We take sole ultimate responsibility for these problems.

"Forgive Us, Children, for We knew not what We were doing."

Documents handed out at the press conference promise an immediate mandatory recall of all Vertebrate models, followed by a total redesign, and the expected release of a "Vertebrata 2.0" lineup sometime after the year 2015. Heaven (NYSE: GOD) stocks were sharply down in late trading following the announcement.

[Hat tip to Richard Dawkins' The Greatest Show on Earth.]

Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive.

Edited by - HalfMooner on 11/18/2009 10:50:21

bngbuck
SFN Addict

USA
2437 Posts

Posted - 11/17/2009 :  23:23:50   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send bngbuck a Private Message  Reply with Quote
Yea, but until He shall bow down and give of His Heart and Soul to WE, the LORDS, HOMO SAPIENS, THE CREATORS of Him, He shall suffer and weep of His shortcomings. Fall to Your Knees, Lord God Charlton, and beg forgiveness of WE, Thine CREATORS, Thine HOLY FATHERS and HOLY MOTHERS of You - God!

WE, WHO created Thee, think You fucked up bigtime, and You had better get it right damn quick or WE will kick your Holy Ass the hell out of this universe and start to run it right OURSELVES. Run a comb through that fucking beard too, Asshole, You look like holy shit!
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filthy
SFN Die Hard

USA
14408 Posts

Posted - 11/18/2009 :  08:50:26   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send filthy a Private Message  Reply with Quote
The silly, old doofus got one of them right, anyway.



What a pity it didn't last.

My brother sent me one of these replicas and I couldn't be more pleased. It so beautifully enhances the atmosphere of fangs in my living room...




"What luck for rulers that men do not think." -- Adolf Hitler (1889 - 1945)

"If only we could impeach on the basis of criminal stupidity, 90% of the Rethuglicans and half of the Democrats would be thrown out of office." ~~ P.Z. Myres


"The default position of human nature is to punch the other guy in the face and take his stuff." ~~ Dude

Brother Boot Knife of Warm Humanitarianism,

and Crypto-Communist!

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HalfMooner
Dingaling

Philippines
15821 Posts

Posted - 11/18/2009 :  10:56:14   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send HalfMooner a Private Message  Reply with Quote
That skull is indeed a beaut, Fil. And my understanding is that there were several sabre-tooth cat species (and if I recall correctly, even a sabre-toothed marsupial) operating at very roughly the same time. Must have really need those choppers to bring down the megafauna of the age.

Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive.
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filthy
SFN Die Hard

USA
14408 Posts

Posted - 11/18/2009 :  13:18:26   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send filthy a Private Message  Reply with Quote
Originally posted by HalfMooner

That skull is indeed a beaut, Fil. And my understanding is that there were several sabre-tooth cat species (and if I recall correctly, even a sabre-toothed marsupial) operating at very roughly the same time. Must have really need those choppers to bring down the megafauna of the age.
Yes....

But I have an hypothesis concerning that. Well, it's really more of a speculation and If I'm allowed to go a little off topic, whatever that might be, I'll put it forth. Thank you. Here goes, get-ready-to-.

With the exception of cheetahs, the favored hunting method of cats is the reliable, old sneak-&-pounce. Once they have the prey within grasp, they bite the throat, crushing the esophagus and the animal dies of suffocation. Is that not correct?

As stated, Smilodon, et al., were predators of megafauna, bison, pachyderms and the like, and therefore some of those sweet windpipes were a long way from the ground. Further, while super-impressive, those exaggerated canines weren't really long enough to reach any vital organs. So, I submit that they were not used for killing prey, but climbing it. With the jaw shut, those fangs were long enough to stab in and get great purchase as the cat clawed it's way to the throat area for the fatal bite. And whilst administering that bite, they helped the cat to hang on to struggling beasts a lot larger than itself. It would have been all but impossible to dislodge, once the cat was upon the prey.

Interesting thought, no?

That flashed into my scrambled mind a few years back when I watched a film segment showing walrus' using their tusks to pull themselves on to a beach. It occurred to me that virtually all tusks were/are mainly used in such mundane fashions.

Yeh, God done that one right, then she went and fucked up the weather.




"What luck for rulers that men do not think." -- Adolf Hitler (1889 - 1945)

"If only we could impeach on the basis of criminal stupidity, 90% of the Rethuglicans and half of the Democrats would be thrown out of office." ~~ P.Z. Myres


"The default position of human nature is to punch the other guy in the face and take his stuff." ~~ Dude

Brother Boot Knife of Warm Humanitarianism,

and Crypto-Communist!

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HalfMooner
Dingaling

Philippines
15821 Posts

Posted - 11/18/2009 :  19:55:30   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send HalfMooner a Private Message  Reply with Quote
That's a cool hypothesis, Fil. Makes as much sense as anything I've read or thought of to explain those bizarre jaws. Maybe the saber cats leaped as high as they could, hooked into the epidermis with tooth and claw, and repeated the process until they were near their targets?

Was there a sharp edge to those fangs on the inside edge? I mean it there was, it might indicate their use for tearing long wounds that would eventually bleed out or start infections in the prey. If not, the fangs would make better climber's hand-picks.

Also, your hypothesis would seem to predict that a series of twin climbing holes (perhaps accompanied by adjacent claw holes) might someday be found on some well-preserved frozen mammoth carcass.

Here's another hypothesis: Maybe those sabers were driven in, in one blow, to severe the spinal column of the giant mammal, once the cat was on its back? That wouldn't negate their additional use for climbing.

Gods, biology is exciting, as is speculating about the unknown!

Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive.
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Bob Lloyd
Skeptic Friend

Spain
59 Posts

Posted - 11/19/2009 :  03:08:05   [Permalink]  Show Profile  Visit Bob Lloyd's Homepage Send Bob Lloyd a Private Message  Reply with Quote
Interesting theory re the sabre tooth but given that it was around 300kg and only had to bring down the animal to get to the throat bite, it seems a bit of an elaborate idea. There's also the problem that if the tiger attacked a much larger animal, then it's quite likely that in many cases the teeth would break in the tussle and apparently these are rare in the fossil record.

Either way, it's certainly a candidate for Smilodon 2.0, probably with a set of mouth-part add-ons for adaptation to different prey. Oh, I forgot, the model has already been recalled. Maybe then a domestic cat with mouth-parts adapted to opening tins, Felis cancatus? :)
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filthy
SFN Die Hard

USA
14408 Posts

Posted - 11/19/2009 :  03:30:53   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send filthy a Private Message  Reply with Quote
Originally posted by HalfMooner

That's a cool hypothesis, Fil. Makes as much sense as anything I've read or thought of to explain those bizarre jaws. Maybe the saber cats leaped as high as they could, hooked into the epidermis with tooth and claw, and repeated the process until they were near their targets?

Was there a sharp edge to those fangs on the inside edge? I mean it there was, it might indicate their use for tearing long wounds that would eventually bleed out or start infections in the prey. If not, the fangs would make better climber's hand-picks.

Also, your hypothesis would seem to predict that a series of twin climbing holes (perhaps accompanied by adjacent claw holes) might someday be found on some well-preserved frozen mammoth carcass.

Here's another hypothesis: Maybe those sabers were driven in, in one blow, to severe the spinal column of the giant mammal, once the cat was on its back? That wouldn't negate their additional use for climbing.

Gods, biology is exciting, as is speculating about the unknown!
Sure, why not, although the throat bite is used by all cats including cheetahs and the wretched animal cluttering up my living room. Could be, though.

The canines on my replica have a rather blunt edge that is good enough to assist a stab, certainly, but not sharp enough to to cut thick hide. I wouldn't think, anyway.

The problem with finding a preserved kill from one of these animals is that they were consumed very quickly and, as is the case today, not always by the one that made the meat. It had other large predators such as the short-faced bear and American lion to contend with. The wise. solo saber-tooth would not try to defend a kill against these, and of course there were lots of small scavengers to clean up the remains.

Another feature I find fascinating about this skull is the extent the jaws open. That guy had a gape that would make a viper envious.

Heh, speculating about the unknown is especially fun when the evidence is unlikely to jump up and kick us in the teeth. It is safe and that's a lesson the creationists have yet to learn, or at least apply. There is little hope they ever will for God will not allow it.




"What luck for rulers that men do not think." -- Adolf Hitler (1889 - 1945)

"If only we could impeach on the basis of criminal stupidity, 90% of the Rethuglicans and half of the Democrats would be thrown out of office." ~~ P.Z. Myres


"The default position of human nature is to punch the other guy in the face and take his stuff." ~~ Dude

Brother Boot Knife of Warm Humanitarianism,

and Crypto-Communist!

Edited by - filthy on 11/19/2009 03:42:37
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