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HalfMooner
Dingaling
Philippines
15831 Posts |
 Posted - 05/25/2007 : 18:31:01
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Burger Empire Announces its Next "Phase"
Miami, Florida, May 25, 2007 (FFP) -- The half-century old Burger King company today revealed to the world its long-held plan for world conquest.
"We're not about competition with MacDonalds, or Carl's Jr.," said bearded, hideously smiling spokesman, Burger King. "We never have seen them as a threat, and never will. We're about competition with Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, and atheism. And I am not the mere mascot for a restaurant chain. I am the Lord God Yahweh, deity of the Old Testament and New."
The Burger King: Not a flaming bush, this time.
Burger King gestured toward an armored figure, who returned the gesture with a flourished sword salute. "In recent years, Archangel Gabriel here has been known to you as Sir Shakes-A-Lot. In the new Burger King Kingdom on earth, he will enforce my rule with the point of his sword. Likewise, Archangel Burger Thing will act as my minister of re-education."
A huge hamburger-bun puppet monstrosity nodded, and said, "Have it Yahweh!"
Burger King continued, "The Subservient Chicken will serve as an living example of how my subjects should behave. The Wizard of Fries has been programmed to smash all human creations of science and technology which transgress upon my magesterium."
Homosexuality is kosher if God does it to you.
"Obey me, or the next time you wake up, I will be there in bed with you. Everything which is not forbidden is mandatory. That is all, until I summon you again."
After the press conference, reporters were approached by a furtive man in an Elizabethan collar, who identified himself as the Duke of Doubt. "Don't take all of that so literally," the Duke whispered. "I'll be here to offer tips and tricks on getting around the more restrictive and irrational rules. Like all sets of laws, there are loopholes. I'll be hiding in those loopholes, as always since the beginning, ready to help humanity."
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“Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive. |
Edited by - HalfMooner on 05/25/2007 23:54:47
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Burger King reveals agenda
