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15831 Posts

Posted - 08/15/2007 :  17:40:09  Show Profile Send HalfMooner a Private Message  Reply with Quote
In the next few hours and days, I will be using this thread to repost Moonscape "classics" from the archive. I'll try to pick the least awful, but I make no promises.

Seculars burn rubber for no godly reason

Charlotte, NC, November 17, 2006 (RP) -- No longer willing to concede a single "NASCAR Dad" to what they call "the cult of Sectarian Inhumanism," secular humanists have taken to auto racing circuits to promote their beliefs. Afraid to be left behind, other groups are hurriedly fielding racing teams, too.

The American Atheist team's Ford leads, as the Amalgam-
ated Woo-Woo team's driver tries to slip past on the inside,
followed closely by Team Evolve's Ford. On the outside, the
Wicca car is being drafted by the ID Creationism Lite Dodge.

"After the drubbing theocratic forces have taken across the nation in the November 2006 elections, we have an opportunity to press home our advantage," says George Sohnsheim of the Secular Humanist Influence Team. "NASCAR fans are a critical demographic. They're typically male, working class high school graduates from the South and farming states. In the past, we secular humanists have ignored these people."

Selling NASCAR fans short was a huge strategic mistake, said Sohnsheim. "The NeoCons sure as hell didn't ignore them, and they came close to making America a theocracy. We secular humanists have frankly been elitist toward NASCAR fans. But all that's crap's gonna change right now. If we don't get our message to NASCAR fans, the Fundies will, and we'll be up shit creek without a paddle again in 2008."

Sohnsheim gestured to indicate the four secular racing teams his group is promoting. "We've got some of America's best scientists and engineers in our crews. Even some of our mechanics are rocket scientists. So we're taking our message to the common folks in great big letters right across the hoods of our cars. And we're going to kick some ass on the track while doing it!"

Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive.


15831 Posts

Posted - 08/15/2007 :  17:52:08   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send HalfMooner a Private Message  Reply with Quote

CBS dumps The Early Show, cashes in on neglected morning-hating demographic

New York City, January 23, 2007 (Shobiznooz) -- CBS has been the perpetual loser in the network morning television show wars since 1976. First place has been hotly contested between ABC with its "Good Morning America," and NBC with its "Today Show."

CBS's new "Morning Eye."

Whenever it wasn't actually in fourth place, The Early Show was always a dismal third in ratings. CBS tried many tricks to spruce up its show, going through name changes from "The Morning Program," to "CBS This Morning," to "This Morning." Finally, they seemed to quit trying, and just called it "The Early Show." They pulled in successive new anchors, like Mariette Hartley, Harry Smith, and Mark McEwen. They changed logos, sets, and theme music. Nothing even remotely helped.

So it's natural that as the 21st Century grinds on, CBS would be desperate to try anything that might finally make them competitive in the mornings.

That's when demographics consultant Taz DeVille steps into this story. DeVille paints a modest picture of his own skills, but over many years, he has regularly given companies simple ideas that turned their ledgers from red to black.

Said DeVille, "All I am, is a master of the obvious. I do scientific opinion surveys just like other consultants in my field, but unlike the others, I know how to ask the obvious questions."

DeVille continued, "In this case, my initial survey simply asked 10,000 people whether or not they liked mornings. Twenty-eight percent of respondents said they loved the morning, twenty-two percent were neutral about it, while a full fifty percent hated the morning with a passion that was difficult for my staff to quantify. We decided to focus upon this fifty percent.

"Next," said DeVille, "I ordered a survey of just the 5,000 morning-haters. They were asked, 'What do you hate to see on TV in the morning?' The answers were revealing, even though obvious."

DeVille's surveys showed that of the 50% of Americans who hate mornings, nearly all passionately loathe seeing any of the following on TV:

Any talk louder than a whisper or a mumble, verbal delivery more rapid than one word per second, unfamiliar people, cheery banter, fancy or neat sets, well-groomed hosts, any music, sartorial splendor, flowers, babies, puppies, kittens, happy human interest stories, and smiles.

CBS boss Leslie Moonves likes the bottom line.

Given DeVille's input, and his faultless reputation for discovering the obvious when others have overlooked it, CBS President annd CEO Leslie Moonves acted swiftly, ordering the cancellation of The Early Show, the construction of a cheap and shoddy-looking new set, and the hiring of a new crew.

The new show, provocatively named "Fuck You, America," first aired last week. It's already getting a full 50% rating, shoving both The Today Show and Good Morning America down into a scramble in the teens and low 20's for a distant second place. Actor Nick Nolte is, when he feels like it, FYA's weatherman. On the first morning, he simply glared at the weather map and said, "Well fuck today and the horse it rode in on. Stay home and go back to bed, everyone!"

Fuck You, America has no theme music, and only one camera. The hosts wear pajamas. No writers have been hired, and the only news is that sporadically mumbled by one of the hosts, reading a newspaper. Most of the three hour show is made up of throat clearing, coffee drinking, chain-smoking, occasional jokes for which the punch lines have been forgotten, monotonic bitching using obscenities, coughs, mumbled comments, farts, periods of utter silence, blank stares, and commercials.

The morning-haters of America love it.

CBS President and CEO, Leslie Moonves, is ecstatic. "We found a whole bunch of familiar Hollywood faces," said Moonves, "easy faces to identify, faces that don't challenge America's morning-haters with neatness or cheer, faces that don't say, 'I'm awake. I'm better than you.' These famous faces were dirt-cheap to hire. This show requires no expensive production values. There's no producer and no director. Certainly no make-up crew. CBS has pioneered the new reality-based morning format that will dominate morning television for a hundred years."

The hosts of CBS's new hit morning show, Fuck You, America. Left to right,
Rip Torn, Yasmine Bleeth, Carmen Electra, Cynthia Watros, Nick Nolte, and Tracy Gold.

A tip of the hat to Dave W. and his wife Liz for the wonderful story idea. I only wish the bastards had given me more time to think of it myself.

Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive.
Edited by - HalfMooner on 08/15/2007 18:04:18
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15831 Posts

Posted - 08/15/2007 :  17:59:10   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send HalfMooner a Private Message  Reply with Quote

Biblical Archaeologists really dig Jesus

Jerusalem, November 10 (IPA) -- An intact skeleton uncovered from an ancient Jewish cemetery near Jerusalem has been positively identified as that of Yeshua ben Yosef, a First Century rabbi.

A stone lid sealing the grave was inscribed in Aramaic with words that translate as, "Jesus of Nazareth, the anointed one, beloved son of Joseph and Mary, brother of James, husband of Mary of Magdala, who was tortured and executed by Pontius Pilatus after false accusations from the Pharisees. Yes, THAT Jesus."

The conventional wisdom.

The new paradigm.

The discovery was made public today by Dr. Arnold Trimm, Chief Archaeologist and spokesman for the Foundation for Biblical Science and History's archaeology division, which has been studying Roman era sites in Israel for the last twenty years.

"This discovery was quite a surprise to us, as you might imagine," said Trimm. "We were looking for information about the contemporaries of Jesus Christ, to help create a better understanding of the time in which He lived. We sure didn't expect to find the Savior's bones themselves. When we first read the Aramaic inscription, our initial reaction was, like, 'Oh, shit.' That still pretty much sums up our feelings."

"I first began studying archaeology in order to find evidence for my pre-existing faith," said Trimm. "From now on, I suppose I can use my skills to do real, scientific archaeology."

The grave and the skeletal remains were discovered in 1998, but were kept under wraps until complete testing could be completed, according to Trimm. Dozens of scholars from other organizations, including the Vatican, were involved in a secret, eight-year effort to either confirm or disprove the find. That testing is now complete.

After extracting mitochondrial DNA from the well-preserved skeleton's bone marrow, the team compared this genetic material with that of Jesus' known descendants, positively proving the skeleton's identity. Aramaic scholars also confirmed the authenticity of the inscription.

Initial reaction world-wide, especially from Christian leaders, has been unusually chaotic.

In Rome, Pope Benedict XVI stepped onto his balcony to address tens of thousands of Catholics who had spontaneously assembled in St. Peter's Square. "Dear bothers and sisters in... Christ, how am I going to say this? Look, people, the mortal Gott verdammte bones of Jesus have been dug up in Jerusalem. My own Vatican scientists have confirmed that it's true. The Resurrection of Christ, the vital and most central tenet of the Roman Catholic faith and Christianity in general, has been disproven."

The Pope then removed his Papal mitre, throwing it down and stomping upon it. "I have dissolved the College of Cardinals, and have instructed Vatican officials and archbishops throughout the world to begin handing over the entire wealth of the Church to secular charities. All I can say to you people is 'The show is over, now go home!' Try to be good people, and in the future, don't believe every idiotic myth someone hands you! As for me, I fucking quit!"

In the United States, televangelist Pat Robertson appeared on his 700 Club television program. In tears, he told his audience, "I am so sorry, people! Please forgive me for my bigotry, false prophecy, and horrible, horrible lies! Because, as we now know, dead old Jesus can't forgive me."

Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive.
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15831 Posts

Posted - 08/15/2007 :  18:18:34   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send HalfMooner a Private Message  Reply with Quote

US generals & admirals resign as Sweden goes on war footing

The Pentagon, Washington and Stockholm, Sweden, January 13, 2006 (MPS) -- The United States Defense Department today announced the unexpected early retirement of a number of generals and admirals, all of whom had served on a joint military planning council for US forces in western Europe. The list of retirees includes:

Major General Julian Andersson, Rear Admiral Erik Mattson, Brigadier General Peter Hansson, Major General Sven Svensson, Rear Admiral Karin Johnsson, Admiral Arne Axelsson, General Nils Petersson, General Margret Ericksson, Admiral Hjalmar Isaksson, Brigadier General Mandel Karlsson, and Major General Lars Nilsson.

None of the retired generals or admirals would comment, when contacted by reporters.

When asked by one reporter about the apparent predominance of Scandinavian names amongst the retirees, the Pentagon spokesman said that he "hadn't noticed," and that "they all just look like American names to me, and certainly not Swedish in particular."

War preparation in Sweden

Swedish PM, Fredrik Reinfeldt.

Meanwhile, the Kingdom of Sweden has closed its commercial airports and borders, and recalled its ambassador from Washington. Prime Minister Fredrik Reinfeldt has called for a "full national mobilization," with all military reservists being activated, and conscription vastly increased. Swedish Military forces now seving as peacekeepers in Afghanistan have been given orders to redeploy to Gamla Stan, Stockholm.

The assembly hall of the Riksdag is nearly empty,
as most parliamentarians have been conscripted.

Swedish military stands prepared.

The Swedish Bikini Team is conscripted into the Navy.

King addresses Swedes

King Carl XVI Gustaf has addressed his nation of just over nine million on radio and television. The King told the Swedes, "We don't know how, when, or even why President Bush might wish to do so, but recent announcements from the United States have led our intelligence services to deduce that an invasion by that nation is imminent." King Carl XVI Gustaf went on to invite UN inspectors to look for weapons of mass destruction anywhere in Sweden.

King Carl XVI Gustaf of Sweden.

First attacks begun?

The initial US attacks may have already begun, according to a Swedish defense source, who spoke on condition of anonymity.

Psychological warfare: Numerous Swedish soldiers report receiving
mysterious and demoralizing prank calls placed to their cell phones.
Here a soldier in the troll-jungle country near Varberg hangs up on
American-accented caller who got him to look for a "Homer Sexual."

In one such possible attack, the tallest skyscraper in Sweden, which houses the headquarters of the Swedish Air Force, appears to have been viciously twisted by some unknown military weapon, causing no casualties but making it uninhabitable.

Twisted: This military office building in Malmö was severely damaged.

Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive.
Edited by - HalfMooner on 08/15/2007 18:29:27
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15831 Posts

Posted - 08/15/2007 :  18:27:31   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send HalfMooner a Private Message  Reply with Quote

eBay sells eBay on eBay
Internet auction house sells itself to the highest bidder

New York City, January 4, 2007 (WSJ) -- Internet auction giant eBay (EBAY, Nasdaq) today sold itself on eBay for just over 50 billion dollars.

The winning bidder was billionaire and noted scientist, Dr. Stephen William Hawking. Hawking wrote a personal check for the transaction, then took control of eBay in time to collect his own check and have his wife, Elaine, tear it up.

Dr. Stephen Hawking can afford anything on earth,
except for a British accent on his voice synthesizer.

"Everyone trusts a Brit in a wheelchair mu-ha-ha-ha exclamation mark," Hawking said in his flat, electronic voice. "As a mathematician I knew that this was not one of those times when you want to use PayPal," said Hawking. "Of course I could safely use it now because I own PayPal as part of eBay. Can't you see this is the kind of thinking that made me a billionaire in the first place question mark."

[The brilliant idea of eBay being sold on eBay was suggested to me by Ricky, who said the credit goes to DaveW, who probably bought the idea on eBay. But picking on Hawking, and the notion that he is a billionaire, were my doing.]

Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive.
Edited by - HalfMooner on 08/16/2007 01:06:08
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15831 Posts

Posted - 08/15/2007 :  18:47:26   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send HalfMooner a Private Message  Reply with Quote

Vet team pronounces Nessie "fit as a fiddle"
Examining Nessie is No Wee Job

Inverness, November 12 (Exclusive to The Scotsman) -- Examining a patient can be more complex when that patient weighs several tonnes, and is mythical.

It required a team of about fifty vets, priests, biologists, engineers, carnival roustabouts, druids, and divers to complete this year's annual health checkup for the Loch Ness Monster.

A monster of a task: Check-up time for Nessie.

Cryptoveterinarian Dr Scot "Scotty" MacScott, who joined the examination team for the first time this year, remarked, "I've examined many mythical creatures, but Nessie was the most challenging patient I've ever worked with. With the Yeti, for instance, all you have to do is shoot him with a tranquiliser dart, then get six big lads to lay him out on an extra-long examination table. It's all straightforward work after that. Even Mokele Mbembe is an easier subject than Nessie to work with, being a gentle, vegetarian land animal. Just slip a sack over his head, and he becomes quite placid."

Dr MacScott continued, "Examining the Loch Ness Monster is a complex, multidisciplinary task. The labour must be perfectly choreographed. Even assuming you could fire enough tranquiliser into her with some kind of harpoon gun, this creature would likely slip under the Loch and drown before we could get to her. So we have to first attract her with druidical spells, then wrestle her into a gigantic sling for the examination, all the while keeping her wet, whilst having a team of priests chanting exorcisms to calm her. And remember, she's no wee lass, is Nessie."

Other than a few internal parasites, for which she was treated, Nessie was given a clean bill of health.

Annual health examinations for the Loch Ness Monster began in 1952, and are funded by the Scotland Tourism Authority.

Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive.
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Dr. Mabuse
Septic Fiend

9677 Posts

Posted - 08/16/2007 :  15:51:16   [Permalink]  Show Profile  Send Dr. Mabuse an ICQ Message Send Dr. Mabuse a Private Message  Reply with Quote
Two of my all time favourites: "US Generals and Admirals in early retirement" and "Fuck off, America".
Closely followed by NASCAR.

Dr. Mabuse - "When the going gets tough, the tough get Duct-tape..."
Dr. Mabuse whisper.mp3

"Equivocation is not just a job, for a creationist it's a way of life..." Dr. Mabuse

Support American Troops in Iraq:
Send them unarmed civilians for target practice..
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