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 Humor (Part 2)
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gezzam
SFN Regular

Australia
751 Posts

Posted - 01/22/2003 :  08:45:19  Show Profile  Visit gezzam's Homepage Send gezzam a Private Message
I thought that I would start a new humor section as the other one is nearly 20 pages short. I don't know where Snake gets all his (bad) jokes from, but keep 'em coming....

I'll start it with a bad one of my own.

A woman in her late forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a
small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Fifteen years later, the woman
returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years, erything
has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems.

First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.

"The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee

Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unless it's a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from.

Al Franken

Edited by - gezzam on 01/22/2003 08:46:13

Randy
SFN Regular

USA
1990 Posts

Posted - 01/22/2003 :  15:23:09   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send Randy a Private Message
quote:
Originally posted by Randy

http://www.theonion.com/onion3902/skeptic_pitied.html

The Onion strikes again.
Let's here it for good old Craig.



quote:
Originally posted by jmcginn
That is too great, it hits all of the major psuedo claims in one article (except for UFOs and cryptozoology stuff) LOL




Just wanted to add from the previously locked thread.....

Last line from the Onion satire about Craig, the skeptic:
"I realize that Craig seems very happy with his narrow little common-sense-based worldview," Frank continued, "but when you think of all the widely embraced beliefs that are excluded by that way of thinking, you have to feel kind of sad."

What's so funny to me about this line is a zipperhead co-worker told me in so many words, the same thing a couple of years ago. He went on and on about how not only have space aliens visited Earth in the past but that they actually live here amongst us. Along too with a comment of himself waking in the middle of the night and "feeling" some presence in his room. He couldn't say what it was but that "something" was there. I chuckled and asked for some concrete evidence of the aliens with saying his midnight "feeling" was most likely his over-active imagination.

....Enter his (Onion) goofball comment here.

I smiled, shook my head and went back to work.
Jeez, where do these nematodes come from?







"We are all connected; to each other biologically, to the earth chemically, to the rest of the universe atomically."

"So you're made of detritus [from exploded stars]. Get over it. Or better yet, celebrate it. After all, what nobler thought can one cherish than that the universe lives within us all?"
-Neil DeGrasse Tyson
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Snake
SFN Addict

USA
2511 Posts

Posted - 01/22/2003 :  17:20:12   [Permalink]  Show Profile  Visit Snake's Homepage  Send Snake an ICQ Message  Send Snake a Yahoo! Message Send Snake a Private Message
quote:
Originally posted by gezzam

I thought that I would start a new humor section as the other one is nearly 20 pages short. I don't know where Snake gets all his (bad) jokes from, but keep 'em coming....

Thanks, it's nice to be appreciated for something!! "Bad", what do you mean bad? LOL.
And, I have my sources, heh he. But I wish I could write, life is so humorous, the things I see people do all the time. One never ceases to be amused.
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gezzam
SFN Regular

Australia
751 Posts

Posted - 01/23/2003 :  07:03:31   [Permalink]  Show Profile  Visit gezzam's Homepage Send gezzam a Private Message
quote:
What's so funny to me about this line is a zipperhead co-worker told me in so many words, the same thing a couple of years ago. He went on and on about how not only have space aliens visited Earth in the past but that they actually live here amongst us. Along too with a comment of himself waking in the middle of the night and "feeling" some presence in his room. He couldn't say what it was but that "something" was there. I chuckled and asked for some concrete evidence of the aliens with saying his midnight "feeling" was most likely his over-active imagination.

....Enter his (Onion) goofball comment here.



I had a work colleague who was sprouting all of the "facts" after the moon hoax program was aired her in Oz. I printed out the page that debunks the conspiracy theories from Bad Astronomy and placed it on his desk to read....

A day or two later he said that all of the stuff I printed out was nonsense and that I must be extremely narrow minded not to accept the FACT that it was hoax....

I told him that we would have to agree to disagree.......so be it then.

This man is a high ranking manager in the company where I work earning over 100,000 a year........even the stupid can get rich

Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unless it's a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from.

Al Franken
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Espritch
Skeptic Friend

USA
284 Posts

Posted - 01/23/2003 :  09:48:18   [Permalink]  Show Profile  Visit Espritch's Homepage Send Espritch a Private Message
quote:
even the stupid can get rich.


I find that the link between success and intelligence is much more tenuous than most people believe. Sigh. But here's something to smile at:

Texas surgeons

Three Texas surgeons were having lunch together and
discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A
concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I
reattached them and 8 months later he performed a
private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man
lost both arms and legs in a terrible accident, I
reattached them and 2 years later he won 2 gold
medals in field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs.
Several years ago a guy who was high on cocaine and
alcohol rode a horse head on into a train traveling
80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the
horse's ass and a cowboy hat. He's now president of
the United States."
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Snake
SFN Addict

USA
2511 Posts

Posted - 01/24/2003 :  00:45:37   [Permalink]  Show Profile  Visit Snake's Homepage  Send Snake an ICQ Message  Send Snake a Yahoo! Message Send Snake a Private Message
quote:
Originally posted by Espritch
He's now president of the United States."


LOL. Love it.
And thanks for bringing the folder back to jokes, only.
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walt fristoe
SFN Regular

USA
505 Posts

Posted - 01/24/2003 :  11:23:08   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send walt fristoe a Private Message
The need for critical thinking is becoming critical, I'm thinking.

"If God chose George Bus of all the people in the world, how good could God be?"
Bill Maher
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Snake
SFN Addict

USA
2511 Posts

Posted - 01/24/2003 :  13:36:05   [Permalink]  Show Profile  Visit Snake's Homepage  Send Snake an ICQ Message  Send Snake a Yahoo! Message Send Snake a Private Message
quote:
Originally posted by walt fristoe

The need for critical thinking is becoming critical, I'm thinking.


That's cute, I like it. Did you make it up or did you hear is somewhere?
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walt fristoe
SFN Regular

USA
505 Posts

Posted - 01/29/2003 :  15:39:13   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send walt fristoe a Private Message
quote:
Originally posted by Snake

quote:
Originally posted by walt fristoe

The need for critical thinking is becoming critical, I'm thinking.


That's cute, I like it. Did you make it up or did you hear is somewhere?


Thanks Snake! I just made it up on the spur of the moment.

"If God chose George Bus of all the people in the world, how good could God be?"
Bill Maher
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gezzam
SFN Regular

Australia
751 Posts

Posted - 01/29/2003 :  18:59:49   [Permalink]  Show Profile  Visit gezzam's Homepage Send gezzam a Private Message
Hey Snake, isn't this mob named after your favourite band???

The exclusive Military Order of the Carabao (named after the mud-loving water buffalo) was founded in 1900 by American officers fighting in the Philippines, so naturally there will be a lot of singing and cigar smoking by the 99.9 percent male crowd. Recent guests have included Colin Powell and General Richard B. Myers, current chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, and many of the country's top military leaders are listed as members. (You have to be an officer to even be considered for membership.)

From http://www.villagevoice.com/issues/0305/urbina.php


Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unless it's a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from.

Al Franken
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MissNonconformist
New Member

11 Posts

Posted - 01/30/2003 :  10:30:38   [Permalink]  Show Profile  Visit MissNonconformist's Homepage  Send MissNonconformist an AOL message  Send MissNonconformist a Yahoo! Message Send MissNonconformist a Private Message
One day, two monks were in the vaults of the monastery going through the old
scrolls.

"You see, there are the originals," said the first monk. "All the new scrolls
were copied from these."

"Can I see one?"

"Sure. This is one outlines the rules for monkdom--"
All of a sudden, the monk's face turns white and he falls to his knees.

"What? What does it say?"

"Celebrate. IT SAYS CELEBRATE!"

To all things clergic, I am allergic.
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Snake
SFN Addict

USA
2511 Posts

Posted - 01/30/2003 :  18:54:42   [Permalink]  Show Profile  Visit Snake's Homepage  Send Snake an ICQ Message  Send Snake a Yahoo! Message Send Snake a Private Message
quote:
Originally posted by MissNonconformist

"Celebrate. IT SAYS CELEBRATE!"


That is SO funny. ROFLOL
Thanks.
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Snake
SFN Addict

USA
2511 Posts

Posted - 01/30/2003 :  19:02:54   [Permalink]  Show Profile  Visit Snake's Homepage  Send Snake an ICQ Message  Send Snake a Yahoo! Message Send Snake a Private Message
quote:
Originally posted by gezzam

Hey Snake, isn't this mob named after your favourite band???

The exclusive Military Order of the Carabao (named after the mud-loving water buffalo) was founded in 1900 by American officers fighting in the Philippines


Gees! Where do I start?
'My' band was formed in the 1980's so haha, I doubt that, that group(above) was named AFTER mine. However, the leader of the band did study in the Philippines so I think that's how he choose the name. There's a lot more to it than that but thanks for asking.
Carabao Forever!
If you want to hear what they sound like, email me personaly, we'll get you a sample for your listening pleasure.
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Snake
SFN Addict

USA
2511 Posts

Posted - 01/30/2003 :  19:06:40   [Permalink]  Show Profile  Visit Snake's Homepage  Send Snake an ICQ Message  Send Snake a Yahoo! Message Send Snake a Private Message
quote:
Originally posted by walt fristoe

Thanks Snake! I just made it up on the spur of the moment.


You are welcome. You have an interesting mind.
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Mr. Spock
Skeptic Friend

USA
99 Posts

Posted - 01/31/2003 :  04:28:10   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send Mr. Spock a Private Message
An Englishman, a Scottsman and an Irishman walk into a pub and order a round of pints. When the drinks arrive, each man has a fly in his beer.

The Englishman promply requests a new pint.

The Scottsman removes the fly and begins to drink.

The Irishman grabs the fly, and shaking it violently, shouts, "SPIT IT OUT, YA WEE BASTARD!!"

"The amount of noise which anyone can bear stands in inverse proportion to his mental capacity." --Schopenhauer
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walt fristoe
SFN Regular

USA
505 Posts

Posted - 01/31/2003 :  15:19:11   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send walt fristoe a Private Message
"A man can have sex with animals such as sheep,
cows, camels and so on. However he should kill the animal after he has had his orgasm. He should not sell the meat to the people in his own village, however selling the meat to the next door village
should be fine" Ayattolah Khomeini, from his wonderful book 'Tahrirolvasyleh'

"If God chose George Bus of all the people in the world, how good could God be?"
Bill Maher
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