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Espritch
Skeptic Friend

USA
284 Posts

Posted - 01/31/2003 :  18:35:25   [Permalink]  Show Profile  Visit Espritch's Homepage Send Espritch a Private Message
quote:
The Irishman grabs the fly, and shaking it violently, shouts, "SPIT IT OUT, YA WEE BASTARD!!"


Ouch ouch ouch! I hurt my sides laughing at that one.

Bears


Frank was excited about his new rifle, and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was my cousin, and you have got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly Frank decided to accede to the latter alternative. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and
vowed revenge.

He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you have got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate. Although he survived it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods and he managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
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Fireballn
Skeptic Friend

Canada
179 Posts

Posted - 02/01/2003 :  01:12:20   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send Fireballn a Private Message
Two guys go to a bar. After having way too many, one the the guys throws up all over himself.

"Oh my wife is going to Kill me, she just bought me this shirt!"

The two guys are feverishly trying to come up with an excuse to tell the wife. The bartender overhears their conversation and offers to help.

"Why don't you put a 20 dollar bill in your shirt pocket, then when your wife asks you what happened to your shirt tell her someone else threw up on you and gave you a twenty for the cleaning."

That's a great idea the guys say, and they leave the bar to go face the wife.

As soon as they arrive, the wife is right there and she is not happy.

"What happened to your shirt?"
"Some guy threw up on me, and here is the twenty he gave me for the cleaning."

The wife then sees another 20 in his shirt pocket.

"What is that 20 for"

"Oh yeah he shit in my pants too...."

If i were the supreme being, I wouldn't have messed around with butterflies and daffodils. I would have started with lasers 8 o'clock day one!
-Time Bandits-
Edited by - Fireballn on 02/02/2003 14:50:30
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walt fristoe
SFN Regular

USA
505 Posts

Posted - 02/03/2003 :  21:21:00   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send walt fristoe a Private Message
Hey Espritch!
I think Frank definitely had issues!

Two old ladies, Ethel and Mabel were standing outside the old folks home, smoking.
It started to rain, so Ethel pulled out a condom, snipped off the end, unrolled it, and inserted her cigarette into it.

Mabel asked her what she was doing, and she replied, "It keeps my cigarette from getting wet".

"Well", said Mabel, "that seems like a pretty good idea".

So the next day Mabel went to a nearby pharamacy and asked the pharmacist for a box of condoms.

Of course the guy was taken aback, wondering what such an old lady could possibly need with a whole box of condoms, but he figured it was none of his business. So he just asked her what size she wanted.

"Well", she said, "it doesn't really matter, as long as they'll fit over a camel."

Whereupon the pharmacist fainted.

"If God chose George Bus of all the people in the world, how good could God be?"
Bill Maher
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Espritch
Skeptic Friend

USA
284 Posts

Posted - 02/03/2003 :  21:39:53   [Permalink]  Show Profile  Visit Espritch's Homepage Send Espritch a Private Message
Baby Airplanes

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer)told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain it to you."
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Mr. Spock
Skeptic Friend

USA
99 Posts

Posted - 02/04/2003 :  05:10:22   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send Mr. Spock a Private Message
What's the difference between a stewardess and a hooker?

A stewardess serves TWA coffee, a hooker serves T-W-A-T.

"The amount of noise which anyone can bear stands in inverse proportion to his mental capacity." --Schopenhauer
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walt fristoe
SFN Regular

USA
505 Posts

Posted - 02/04/2003 :  10:45:03   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send walt fristoe a Private Message
As Kitty was finishing her bedtime prayer, she said, "And please God, when I wake up tomorrow, let Shakespeare be the author of "A Tale of Two Cities". Overhearing, her mother asked her, "Why would you make such a strange request?"
"Because," answered Kitty, "that's what I wrote on my test paper".

"If God chose George Bus of all the people in the world, how good could God be?"
Bill Maher
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Valiant Dancer
Forum Goalie

USA
4826 Posts

Posted - 02/05/2003 :  11:48:09   [Permalink]  Show Profile  Visit Valiant Dancer's Homepage Send Valiant Dancer a Private Message
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. When a cell phone on a bench rings, a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk.
MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: I am at the mall and found a beautiful leather coat. It's $1,000. Can I buy it?"

MAN: "OK, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2003 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: How much?"

WOMAN: $60,000.

MAN: "For that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! One more thing, the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're only asking $450,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and buy it but just offer $420,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you too."

The man hangs up. The other men are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Cthulhu/Asmodeus when you're tired of voting for the lesser of two evils

Brother Cutlass of Reasoned Discussion
Edited by - Valiant Dancer on 02/05/2003 11:55:58
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Randy
SFN Regular

USA
1990 Posts

Posted - 02/05/2003 :  19:46:38   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send Randy a Private Message
Don't know if any of you guys here would be interested, but thought I should mention this to you because it could be a real sleeper in making a lot of money with a small investment of $50,000.

A group of us are considering investing in a large cat ranch near Matamoras, Mexico. We intend to start rather small with about one million cats. Each cat averages about 12 kittens per year and skins can be sold for about 35 cents for the white ones and up to 50 cents for the black. This will give us 12 million cat skins per year to sell at an average price around 42 cents, making our revenue about $5 million a year. This averages out to over $16,000 per day - excluding Saturdays and Sundays.

A good Mexican cat man can skin about 55 cats per day at a wage of $11.60 per day. It will take 720 men to operate the ranch, so the net pre-tax profit would be about $8,200 per day. Each $50,000 investment would be recovered in 6.1 days. This beats any banking bonuses, Savings Plan, Profit Sharing and most everything including the Chicken Ranch in LaGrange.

Now, the cats would be fed on rats, exclusively. Rats multiply four times as fast as cats. We would start a rat ranch adjacent to our cat farm. If we start with a million rats, we will have 4 rats per cat per day. The rats will feed on the carcasses of the cats we skin. This will give each rat a quarter of a cat. You can see by this that the business is a clean operation - self supporting and really automatic throughout. The cats will eat the rats and the rats will eat the cats, and we will get the skins.

Let me know if you're interested. As you can image, we are rather particular who we want to get into this as well as limiting the number of investors.

Eventually, it is our hope to cross the cats with snakes for they will skin themselves twice a year. This would save the labor cost of skinning as well as give us two skins for one cat.

Cordially,

I. B. "Cat" Skinner

PS - We may contact you concerning a position with this operation.
Possibly recruiting foreman for the cat skinning department.


"We are all connected; to each other biologically, to the earth chemically, to the rest of the universe atomically."

"So you're made of detritus [from exploded stars]. Get over it. Or better yet, celebrate it. After all, what nobler thought can one cherish than that the universe lives within us all?"
-Neil DeGrasse Tyson
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walt fristoe
SFN Regular

USA
505 Posts

Posted - 02/05/2003 :  19:54:08   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send walt fristoe a Private Message
A business executive was interviewing a job applicant. "Now then," he stated briskly, "for this position we need a real live wire. But, at the same time, the person must be methodical. I can't overemphasize the importance of being methodical."
"Hm'm," the applicant said after some thought, "if that's the case, I guess I don't want the job after all."
"No? Why not?"
"Well," replied the applicant, "it's that 'methodical'. All my life I've been a good Presbyterian, and I don't believe that I'm going to change now."

"If God chose George Bus of all the people in the world, how good could God be?"
Bill Maher
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walt fristoe
SFN Regular

USA
505 Posts

Posted - 02/07/2003 :  11:28:45   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send walt fristoe a Private Message
Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, the man said "Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and assuage my guilt?"

"Certainly not," said the priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."

"I-I tried," the man replied, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"

"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family."

Thanking the priest, the man hurried off.

When confession was over, the priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his Thanksgiving turkey.

"If God chose George Bus of all the people in the world, how good could God be?"
Bill Maher
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Snake
SFN Addict

USA
2511 Posts

Posted - 03/01/2003 :  17:29:22   [Permalink]  Show Profile  Visit Snake's Homepage  Send Snake an ICQ Message  Send Snake a Yahoo! Message Send Snake a Private Message
quote:
Originally posted by walt fristoe
the priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his Thanksgiving turkey.


Speaking of eating:


Several cannibals were recently hired by a big corporation. "You are all a part of our team now, which means you are considered to be employees," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits, and you can go to the cafeteria to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees."

The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with your work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what has happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads no.

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, You fool! For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything, but nooooooooo, you had to go and eat the secretary!!"
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Jelly Fish
New Member

46 Posts

Posted - 03/02/2003 :  09:08:20   [Permalink]  Show Profile  Send Jelly Fish an AOL message Send Jelly Fish a Private Message
Ha ha Spock, I liked your Englishman, Scotsman, Irishman joke....

but where are all the welshmen in these jokes I ask? They are never included lol, and we have our own charechteristics...its no fair!!

We sing really well, we drink heartedly, we play rugger like no other, we are celts...

The Welshman wouldn't have noticed the fly at all, downed the pint, and then started singing "Land of my Fathers"

We know when to have a good time.

Jelly Fish

Glendower..“I can call spirits from the vasty deep.”
Hotspur..“Why, so can I, or so can any man; But will they come when you do call for them?”
Jelly.."Not a hope in hell"
adapted from Henry 1V part 1 by Mr W. Shakespeare
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ktesibios
SFN Regular

USA
505 Posts

Posted - 03/02/2003 :  11:53:25   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send ktesibios a Private Message
Hey Randy-

Did you know that your "cat farm" joke dates back to 1875?

It was a real live hoax that even fooled the AP.

see: http://www.snopes.com/critters/disposal/catrat.htm

You can also read about it in The Big Book of Hoaxes, which is where the cartoon on the Snopes page is taken from.

"The Republican agenda is to turn the United States into a third-world shithole." -P.Z.Myers
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Randy
SFN Regular

USA
1990 Posts

Posted - 03/02/2003 :  15:09:23   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send Randy a Private Message
quote:
Originally posted by ktesibios

Hey Randy-

Did you know that your "cat farm" joke dates back to 1875?




Funny!, quite the history. I got this thru email a couple of years ago.
It's quite effective with the first sentence being personal, sort pulled me into the story at first.

"We are all connected; to each other biologically, to the earth chemically, to the rest of the universe atomically."

"So you're made of detritus [from exploded stars]. Get over it. Or better yet, celebrate it. After all, what nobler thought can one cherish than that the universe lives within us all?"
-Neil DeGrasse Tyson
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Snake
SFN Addict

USA
2511 Posts

Posted - 03/11/2003 :  00:47:34   [Permalink]  Show Profile  Visit Snake's Homepage  Send Snake an ICQ Message  Send Snake a Yahoo! Message Send Snake a Private Message
Subject: A Question



Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?


A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS HOUSE! I'm sorry.... What did you ask me
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