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Valiant Dancer
Forum Goalie

USA
4826 Posts

Posted - 03/14/2003 :  06:19:16   [Permalink]  Show Profile  Visit Valiant Dancer's Homepage Send Valiant Dancer a Private Message
A scientist in Australia has invented a bra which offers more support and prevents a woman's breasts from bouncing up and down. After announcing his invention, the scientist was taken outside and beaten by a large group of men.

Cthulhu/Asmodeus when you're tired of voting for the lesser of two evils

Brother Cutlass of Reasoned Discussion
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walt fristoe
SFN Regular

USA
505 Posts

Posted - 03/26/2003 :  20:03:44   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send walt fristoe a Private Message


For many men, having sex is like going to the bank: first they make a deposit, then they make a withdrawal, then they lose interest...


"If God chose George Bus of all the people in the world, how good could God be?"
Bill Maher
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Valiant Dancer
Forum Goalie

USA
4826 Posts

Posted - 03/27/2003 :  07:52:35   [Permalink]  Show Profile  Visit Valiant Dancer's Homepage Send Valiant Dancer a Private Message
MAN IN CALIF. SUES TOM RIDGE OVER DUCT TAPE ADVICE
- Corona, CA (Corona Times)
Tom Ridge's advice to Americans to stock up on duct tape and plastic
has sparked a lawsuit which has been filed against him, the Department of Homeland Security and President George W. Bush. Steven J. Bosell, the owner of B & B Construction in Corona, California, has filed a lawsuit claiming emotional distress, personal injury and sexual dysfunction after he wrapped his "privates" in duct tape to protect them from a biological attack.
"After watching Mr. Ridge on television advising us to stock up on duct tape and plastic, I went to the local Costco and bought $100 worth of duct tape to protect myself", Bosell said. "When I got home, I taped up my windows and doors. After I did that I realized survivors like myself are going to reproduce and populate the Earth after a biological attack, we have to protect our privates as well."
Bosell claimed in his lawsuit he wrapped his "privates" in duct tape as test of "Homeland Security". When he tried to remove the tape, Bosell injured himself when the tape began peeling off skin and body hair. After calling an ambulance, Bosell was taken to the hospital where the doctors and nurses laughed at him.
"I told the doctors and nurses at the hospital if they laughed, I would file a lawsuit against them and the hospital. They laughed anyways and I now have another lawsuit pending" Bosell said with tears streaming down his face.
"They went out their way to make me look like a fool. Once I saw the
doctors scalpel go toward my privates, I totally lost it and blacked
out". Also named in the lawsuit is the President of the United States, George W. Bush. "President Bush is just as liable for injury to my reproductive future because he hired Mr. Ridge to run the Department of Homeland Security and Mr. Ridge gave the nation bad advice. They also made me look like a fool." Bosell sobbed.
The Department of Homeland Security and the Bush Administration have no comment on Mr. Bosell's lawsuit.

Cthulhu/Asmodeus when you're tired of voting for the lesser of two evils

Brother Cutlass of Reasoned Discussion
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gezzam
SFN Regular

Australia
751 Posts

Posted - 04/02/2003 :  06:31:31   [Permalink]  Show Profile  Visit gezzam's Homepage Send gezzam a Private Message
'TIME-TRAVELER' BUSTED FOR INSIDER TRADING
Wednesday March 19, 2003

By CHAD KULTGEN

NEW YORK -- Federal investigators have arrested an enigmatic Wall Street wiz
on insider-trading charges -- and incredibly, he claims to be a
time-traveler from the year 2256!

Sources at the Security and Exchange Commission confirm that 44-year-old
Andrew Carlssin offered the bizarre explanation for his uncanny success in
the stock market after being led off in handcuffs on January 28.

"We don't believe this guy's story -- he's either a lunatic or a
pathological liar," says an SEC insider.

"But the fact is, with an initial investment of only $800, in two weeks'
time he had a portfolio valued at over $350 million. Every trade he made
capitalized on unexpected business developments, which simply can't be pure
luck.

"The only way he could pull it off is with illegal inside information. He's
going to sit in a jail cell on Rikers Island until he agrees to give up his
sources."

The past year of nose-diving stock prices has left most investors crying in
their beer. So when Carlssin made a flurry of 126 high-risk trades and came
out the winner every time, it raised the eyebrows of Wall Street watchdogs.

"If a company's stock rose due to a merger or technological breakthrough
that was supposed to be secret, Mr. Carlssin somehow knew about it in
advance," says the SEC source close to the hush-hush, ongoing investigation.

When investigators hauled Carlssin in for questioning, they got more than
they bargained for: A mind-boggling four-hour confession.

Carlssin declared that he had traveled back in time from over 200 years in
the future, when it is common knowledge that our era experienced one of the
worst stock plunges in history. Yet anyone armed with knowledge of the
handful of stocks destined to go through the roof could make a fortune.

"It was just too tempting to resist," Carlssin allegedly said in his
videotaped confession. "I had planned to make it look natural, you know,
lose a little here and there so it doesn't look too perfect. But I just got
caught in the moment."

In a bid for leniency, Carlssin has reportedly offered to divulge
"historical facts" such as the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden and a cure for
AIDS.

All he wants is to be allowed to return to the future in his "time craft."

However, he refuses to reveal the location of the machine or discuss how it
works, supposedly out of fear the technology could "fall into the wrong
hands."

Officials are quite confident the "time-traveler's" claims are bogus. Yet
the SEC source admits, "No one can find any record of any Andrew Carlssin
existing anywhere before December 2002."

Weekly World News will continue to follow this story as it unfolds. Keep
watching for further developments.


Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unless it's a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from.

Al Franken
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Avenel
Skeptic Friend

USA
60 Posts

Posted - 04/02/2003 :  07:46:43   [Permalink]  Show Profile Send Avenel a Private Message
quote:
Originally posted by gezzam

'TIME-TRAVELER' BUSTED FOR INSIDER TRADING



The important thing to note is that this story is from the Weekly World News.

"How many angels can swim on the head of a beer?" - Roger Ramjet
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Snake
SFN Addict

USA
2511 Posts

Posted - 04/21/2003 :  23:53:44   [Permalink]  Show Profile  Visit Snake's Homepage  Send Snake an ICQ Message  Send Snake a Yahoo! Message Send Snake a Private Message
How to loose 10 pounds of ugly fat in a hurry.
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Cut off your head.
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Dave W.
Info Junkie

USA
26009 Posts

Posted - 04/22/2003 :  14:27:14   [Permalink]  Show Profile  Visit Dave W.'s Homepage Send Dave W. a Private Message
No matter how much you exercise or diet, you cannot reduce the size of your skull. Which is sort of sad, because about half the population wants a little head.

- Dave W. (Private Msg, EMail)
Evidently, I rock!
Why not question something for a change?
Visit Dave's Psoriasis Info, too.
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Snake
SFN Addict

USA
2511 Posts

Posted - 04/23/2003 :  00:06:32   [Permalink]  Show Profile  Visit Snake's Homepage  Send Snake an ICQ Message  Send Snake a Yahoo! Message Send Snake a Private Message
quote:
Originally posted by Dave W.

No matter how much you exercise or diet, you cannot reduce the size of your skull. Which is sort of sad, because about half the population wants a little head.


And IMO so does the other half but they won't admit it.
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PhDreamer
SFN Regular

USA
925 Posts

Posted - 04/23/2003 :  21:02:40   [Permalink]  Show Profile  Visit PhDreamer's Homepage Send PhDreamer a Private Message
Why did the chicken cross the road? (Iraq Redux)

GEORGE W. BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL
Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image of
the chicken crossing the road.

HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.

JACQUES CHIRAC
We will veto any resolution regarding non-compliance of the chicken whether it has or has not crossed the road!

MOHAMMED ALDOURI
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken.

SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justifed in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

I believe that, as a species, human beings define their reality through suffering and misery.
-Agent Smith
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Snake
SFN Addict

USA
2511 Posts

Posted - 05/03/2003 :  18:33:28   [Permalink]  Show Profile  Visit Snake's Homepage  Send Snake an ICQ Message  Send Snake a Yahoo! Message Send Snake a Private Message
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
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Dave W.
Info Junkie

USA
26009 Posts

Posted - 05/03/2003 :  22:47:18   [Permalink]  Show Profile  Visit Dave W.'s Homepage Send Dave W. a Private Message
I don't know if I'm late to the party with this reference, but everyone should check out the laugh lab. We now know what the funniest joke in the world is.

And it's not this obnoxious, stereotyping "audio joke" which Snake reminded me of:

Q: What time does a Chinaman go to the dentist?
A: Two-thirty.

.
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.
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.

Explanation for lack of audio on this message board: if you say "two-thirty" with just the right accent and timing, it oughta sound like "tooth-hurty."

I'm so ashamed of that one, I won't apply my sig.
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Snake
SFN Addict

USA
2511 Posts

Posted - 05/04/2003 :  00:25:03   [Permalink]  Show Profile  Visit Snake's Homepage  Send Snake an ICQ Message  Send Snake a Yahoo! Message Send Snake a Private Message
quote:
Originally posted by Dave W.

Explanation for lack of audio on this message board: if you say "two-thirty" with just the right accent and timing, it oughta sound like "tooth-hurty."

I'm so ashamed of that one, I won't apply my sig.


Hum! That's ok, Dave. I was trying to sound it out and didn't quite get it. However, I do happen to live with a Chinaman, who has an Asian accent. I'm going to ask him to say that and see if it is as funny as you say. I'm always making fun of the words he trys to say in English so I'm expecting a lot.
Will get back to you on that one.
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Snake
SFN Addict

USA
2511 Posts

Posted - 05/04/2003 :  23:51:47   [Permalink]  Show Profile  Visit Snake's Homepage  Send Snake an ICQ Message  Send Snake a Yahoo! Message Send Snake a Private Message
quote:
Originally posted by Dave W.

Explanation for lack of audio on this message board: if you say "two-thirty" with just the right accent and timing, it oughta sound like "tooth-hurty."


Alright Dave, as promised, I tested it out on my Chinese 'room mate'. Sorry to report, his accent either isn't strong enough or he talks too clearly because it didn't come out so funny. When I told him why I was asking him to say Two-thirty, he said..... it's the Japaneese. (Not the Chineese) who have that accent, LOL, which I thought was funnier than the joke in the 1st place.
Oh well, guess you had to be there!
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Dave W.
Info Junkie

USA
26009 Posts

Posted - 05/05/2003 :  07:02:13   [Permalink]  Show Profile  Visit Dave W.'s Homepage Send Dave W. a Private Message
Just goes to show why racial jokes don't tend to work. I'm still ashamed.

- Dave W. (Private Msg, EMail)
Evidently, I rock!
Why not question something for a change?
Visit Dave's Psoriasis Info, too.
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Snake
SFN Addict

USA
2511 Posts

Posted - 05/06/2003 :  00:00:11   [Permalink]  Show Profile  Visit Snake's Homepage  Send Snake an ICQ Message  Send Snake a Yahoo! Message Send Snake a Private Message
quote:
Originally posted by Dave W.

Just goes to show why racial jokes don't tend to work. I'm still ashamed.


Dave!!! I'm not sure why you feel that way.
Don't you think there is some basis in fact for stereotypes? That's not your fault.
BTW, I also make fun of his (my Chinese room mate) driving, LOL. I think it's his slanty eyes and that he can't see stright. He's beggining to get upset with me about that, but what's he going to do....leave. Oh Happy Day!
Hey! If he wanted to say I'm cheap, which I am, because my parents were Jewish....who cares! I am cheap and it's a joke. Big Deal.
IMO, people are too sensitive.
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