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HalfMooner
Dingaling
Philippines
15831 Posts |
 Posted - 09/07/2006 : 21:01:21 [Permalink]
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I can't stop stealing these:
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
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“Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive. |
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Chippewa
SFN Regular
USA
1496 Posts |
Posted - 09/07/2006 : 22:10:53 [Permalink]
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A panda walks into a bar and orders a beer and a ham sandwich. The bar tender serves the beer and sandwich and the panda munches the sandwich while gulping down the beer. The panda tosses down some money and while turning to leave, pulls out a gun and shoots the bar tender in the arm. The bar tender, holding his bleeding arm says: "Hey, what the hell was that about?" The panda says, "I'm a panda, look it up," and walks out.
The bar tender, before calling an ambulance, staggers over to a dictionary and flips it open to "Panda", and reads:
Panda, (Ailuropoda melanoleuca,) mammal, family Ursidae, native to central and southern China. Eats shoots and leaves.
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Chippewa
SFN Regular
USA
1496 Posts |
Posted - 09/07/2006 : 23:29:14 [Permalink]
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Saint Peter was greeting souls as they passed through the pearly gates of Heaven. After a while, Jesus appeared and St. Peter said: "Jesus, would you mind filling in for me while I attend to some paperwork over in Heavenly Quadrant 47?" Jesus said: "Yes Saint Peter, I would be happy too." So St. Peter went off for a while and Jesus greeted the souls at the gate.
Since all souls entering heaven lose their Earthly bonds and are transformed into youthful spirits, Jesus was puzzled to suddenly see approaching in the distance a wise looking, but very elderly and world-weary soul. Jesus greeted the very old man and said to him: "Thou look troubled." "You should be filled with joy upon entering the Kingdom of Heaven. May I help you?"
The tired old man then said: "I am troubled, for I have lost my son. He went into the world long ago and suffered greatly. He knew of the sins and falsehoods of mankind first hand."
Jesus was moved but could only say: "Perhaps if you described your son. Perhaps I have seen him."
The old man then said: "My son is handsome, with kindness in his eyes, and – he now has holes in his feet and holes in his hands."
Jesus looked startled and he thought, "Could this be?" With a sudden look of recognition in his eyes, Jesus reached out to the wise old man and said simply: "Father?"
The old one then look upon Jesus and answered:
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Ghost_Skeptic
SFN Regular
Canada
510 Posts |
Posted - 09/08/2006 : 00:12:47 [Permalink]
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While Jesus was filling in for St. Peter at the pearly gates, an engineer arrived. Jesus, being unmailiar with the heavenly immigration laws said you've come to the wrong place - you have to go to hell.
When the engineer arrived in hell she realized the place could use some improvements. She set about installing air conditioning, escalators and flush toilets. When God found out about the mistake, he phoned Satan and asked to send the engineer up to heaven right away. Satan replied "I don't think so, things are lot better now tha we have an engineer here. We have air conditioning, flush toilets and a lot of other improvements." God got angry and said "Send her up right now or I'll sue your evil ass off!" Satan laughed and said "And just where are you going to find a lawyer." |
"You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. / You can send a kid to college but you can't make him think." - B.B. King
History is made by stupid people - The Arrogant Worms
"The greater the ignorance the greater the dogmatism." - William Osler
"Religion is the natural home of the psychopath" - Pat Condell
"The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the supreme being as his father in the womb of a virgin, will be classed with the fable of the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter" - Thomas Jefferson |
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HalfMooner
Dingaling
Philippines
15831 Posts |
Posted - 09/08/2006 : 16:53:31 [Permalink]
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Another one I stole:
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," replies the second man.
I'm curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Kinly twins are drunk again."
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“Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive. |
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JohnOAS
SFN Regular
Australia
800 Posts |
Posted - 09/08/2006 : 21:14:39 [Permalink]
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quote:
Originally posted by HalfMooner
Another one I stole:
Halfmooner's honesty has made me wonder. Can anyone here claim to have built a "conventional" joke from scratch? I'm sure we've all embellished or added our own flavour, but I don't think I've ever actually created a joke in it's entirety.
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John's just this guy, you know. |
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Chippewa
SFN Regular
USA
1496 Posts |
Posted - 09/08/2006 : 21:59:06 [Permalink]
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quote:
Originally posted by JohnOAS
...Can anyone here claim to have built a "conventional" joke from scratch?...
Not the ones I planted here. I included them because I didn't see them anywhere, nevertheless they're as old as the hills.  |
Diversity, independence, innovation and imagination are progressive concepts ultimately alien to the conservative mind.
"TAX AND SPEND" IS GOOD! (TAX: Wealthy corporations who won't go poor even after taxes. SPEND: On public works programs, education, the environment, improvements.) |
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Dave W.
Info Junkie
USA
26020 Posts |
Posted - 09/08/2006 : 22:12:52 [Permalink]
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I have created two conventional jokes from scratch. One is so bad that I refuse to repeat it. The other was good, but unfortunately all I remember about it is being proud of the fact that I'd created an entirely new decent joke all on my own. (The worst part about it is that I made up the good one just a couple months ago. The ravages of age are horrible.)
Here's a pathetic new one I can't get out of my head now that I've made it up:A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a tequila sunrise.
The bartender looks at him in shock, and asks, "are you really sure you want that drink?"
"Absolutely," the customer says.
"Okay..." the bartender replies, uncertainty shaking his voice.
As he begins mixing the drink, things get strange. Toothpicks, then peanuts, and then glasses start sliding across the bar towards the bartender. Then the bartender himself starts being ripped apart, along with large chunks of the bar. The customer himself gets one last look at the bartender's "I warned you" look before both of them are sucked into a growing vortex and are torn to shreds.
In the afterlife, the customer finds himself floating near the bartender's spirit. "What the hell was that all about?" he thinks.
The bartender thinks in response, "it's the damned neutron core. Happens every friggin' time." Okay, maybe that's too much of an inside joke to count. But at least now it's not infesting my brain anymore. |
- Dave W. (Private Msg, EMail)
Evidently, I rock!
Why not question something for a change?
Visit Dave's Psoriasis Info, too. |
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HalfMooner
Dingaling
Philippines
15831 Posts |
Posted - 09/08/2006 : 22:30:25 [Permalink]
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quote:
Originally posted by JohnOAS
quote:
Originally posted by HalfMooner
Another one I stole:
Halfmooner's honesty has made me wonder. Can anyone here claim to have built a "conventional" joke from scratch? I'm sure we've all embellished or added our own flavour, but I don't think I've ever actually created a joke in it's entirety.
Perhaps someday scholars will study comparative jokology as they now study comparative linguistics and have begun to do with comparative mythology. If they do, I suspect they will discover that most jokes evolved over time from a handful of proto-jokes invented along with the first human language.
I find it almost impossible to invent a joke whole-cloth. All my "alien" jokes (in "Bar Joke 1") are simply adaptations of jokes I found on the Internet. Except the one about the failed comedian; I think I invented it, though it indeed may not actually be funny, and thus not be a joke.
Someone actually found the world's funniest jokes. Here are three of them:quote:
The winner, submitted by Gurpal Gosall, of Manchester, England was:
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
The second place finisher and early leader was this joke, submitted by Geoff Anandappa of Blackpool, England:
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
While this was the top joke in the UK:
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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| Edited by - HalfMooner on 09/08/2006 22:33:37 |
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Dave W.
Info Junkie
USA
26020 Posts |
Posted - 09/08/2006 : 23:20:20 [Permalink]
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quote:
Originally posted by HalfMooner
Someone actually found the world's funniest jokes. Here are three of them:
The ironic thing is that the Wiki article goes on to add ammunition (haha!) to John's point, in that the top two jokes were found to be variations on older jokes.
The Laugh Lab website is still up, by the way (the Wiki article only references it in footnote fashion, giving it's link a scanty "[1]" to be clicked). The site seems to be more devoted to hawking the book now than to displaying highly-rated jokes, but they still have the Top Jokes by Country list, which suggests that I might be Belgian since I like this combo so much:Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks. Such is humor.
Oh, I almost completely forgot about this joke which I made up from scratch, too.
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- Dave W. (Private Msg, EMail)
Evidently, I rock!
Why not question something for a change?
Visit Dave's Psoriasis Info, too. |
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HalfMooner
Dingaling
Philippines
15831 Posts |
Posted - 09/09/2006 : 05:24:10 [Permalink]
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Stolen laughs:
Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
"They're Carol's."
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“Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive. |
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HalfMooner
Dingaling
Philippines
15831 Posts |
Posted - 09/09/2006 : 05:29:04 [Permalink]
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Still another:
Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other indiscretions. I believe I'll do something I've never done before; I'll let you decide where you want to go."
Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?" Looking slightly puzzled, God said, "Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?"
Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, "I think I'll try Hell first." So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell.
When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill's face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. "This is great," he thought, "if this is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven."
Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill looked up, cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled for God and Bill Gates was sent to Hell for eternity.
Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons.
"So, how is everything going?" God asked.
Bill responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other place....with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women?
"That was the demo," replied God.
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“Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive. |
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JohnOAS
SFN Regular
Australia
800 Posts |
Posted - 09/09/2006 : 18:05:30 [Permalink]
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quote:
Originally posted by HalfMooner
Stolen laughs:
...
"They're Carol's."
In a similar vein:
A guy and his girlfriend rock up to a party, only to be greeted by a guy at the door.
"Sorry, this party is fancy dress only, you can't come in like that."
The two slink off, a little disappointed. The bouncer is shocked when a couple of minutes later the guy wanders back up to the door, completely naked, piggy backing his girlfriend who is in the same state of undress.
"OK, what are you supposed to be?", asks the bouncer, a little taken aback.
I'm a tortoise." is the reply.
"Oh really, and her?" responds the bouncer.
"That's Michelle"
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John's just this guy, you know. |
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HalfMooner
Dingaling
Philippines
15831 Posts |
Posted - 09/10/2006 : 03:11:39 [Permalink]
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[Stolen]
There was a doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist sitting around late one evening, and they got to discussing which was the oldest profession.
The doctor pointed out that according to Biblical tradition, God created Eve from Adam's rib. This obviously required surgery, so therefore that was the oldest profession in the world.
The engineer countered with an earlier passage in the Bible that stated that God created order from the chaos, and that was most certainly the biggest and best civil engineering example ever, and also proved that his profession was the oldest profession.
The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, and with a sly smile responded, "Yes, but who do you think created the chaos?"
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“Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive. |
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HalfMooner
Dingaling
Philippines
15831 Posts |
Posted - 09/10/2006 : 14:48:43 [Permalink]
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Speaking of old, old gags, there are actually collections dating from antiquity. Philogelos (The Laughter Lover), from the 4th Century CE, is a surviving example, and doubtless contains much material caged from earlier collections.
The few gags which are reprinted at the above link give one the idea that they are not much different from contemporary jokes, aside from cultural context.
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“Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive. |
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