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Ghost_Skeptic
SFN Regular
Canada
510 Posts |
 Posted - 09/10/2006 : 15:03:59 [Permalink]
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quote:
Originally posted by HalfMooner
Speaking of old, old gags, there are actually collections dating from antiquity. Philogelos (The Laughter Lover), from the 4th Century CE, is a surviving example, and doubtless contains much material caged from earlier collections.
The few gags which are reprinted at the above link give one the idea that they are not much different from contemporary jokes, aside from cultural context.
I noticed they were nearly all about atrologers and other fortune tellers covering their butts. Some things never change. |
"You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. / You can send a kid to college but you can't make him think." - B.B. King
History is made by stupid people - The Arrogant Worms
"The greater the ignorance the greater the dogmatism." - William Osler
"Religion is the natural home of the psychopath" - Pat Condell
"The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the supreme being as his father in the womb of a virgin, will be classed with the fable of the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter" - Thomas Jefferson |
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HalfMooner
Dingaling
Philippines
15831 Posts |
Posted - 09/10/2006 : 16:40:00 [Permalink]
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Somebody stop me before I steal again!:
A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver:” He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.” A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again either!"
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“Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive. |
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HalfMooner
Dingaling
Philippines
15831 Posts |
Posted - 09/10/2006 : 16:50:40 [Permalink]
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Will not be returned to its owner:
A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs. That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, and he couldn't move.
"Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed, "I'm so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish...please make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord!"
That very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud right at the preacher's feet. "Dear God, bless this food I am about to receive...."
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“Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive. |
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HalfMooner
Dingaling
Philippines
15831 Posts |
Posted - 09/11/2006 : 15:24:30 [Permalink]
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Need I say "stolen"?:
Three nuns walked into a bar and asked for a bottle of brandy to go. The bartender said, "I can't sell you brandy -- you're nuns!"
The oldest nun said, "It's alright, son. It's for medicinal purposes. Mother Superior has constipation."
The bartender said, "Well, I guess it's alright then," and sold them a bottle of brandy.
A few hours later when he was closing the bar, he heard laughing and singing in the alley, so he went over to investigate. Lo and behold, there were the same three nuns -- drunk!
The bartender got angry. "I thought you said that brandy was for Mother Superior's constipation!"
"Oh, it is," said the one nun. "She's gonna shit when she sees us!"
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“Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive. |
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HalfMooner
Dingaling
Philippines
15831 Posts |
Posted - 09/11/2006 : 18:35:48 [Permalink]
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quote:
Originally posted by Ghost_Skeptic
quote:
Originally posted by HalfMooner
Speaking of old, old gags, there are actually collections dating from antiquity. Philogelos (The Laughter Lover), from the 4th Century CE, is a surviving example, and doubtless contains much material caged from earlier collections.
The few gags which are reprinted at the above link give one the idea that they are not much different from contemporary jokes, aside from cultural context.
I noticed they were nearly all about atrologers and other fortune tellers covering their butts. Some things never change.
It's been hard for me to find examples from Philogelos. But despite that last group of gags being about astrologers and/or prophets, the original collection seems to have been more generalized.
Here are a few more I've found, some provided with alternative translations. In my opinion, most of them are not exactly belly-busters to a contemporary reader's tastes. But many of them have no doubt been "improved" by cultural adaptation during the subsequent centuries, and may still exist in altered form.
Here's another "ancient jokes" site.
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“Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive. |
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HalfMooner
Dingaling
Philippines
15831 Posts |
Posted - 09/11/2006 : 19:49:56 [Permalink]
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Steal this joke:
These three English guys are out drinking one night and decide that they want to have a fight. They stagger from pub to pub looking for a likely victim to pick on when they come across a single Irishman in this one bar.
"Watch this." Says the first Englishman, heading over toward the guy, "I hear that St Patrick was a shirt lifter."
"Really." Says the Irishman, calmly continuing to drink.
With that the second English guy decides to join in, "Yeah, and I hear he was a pervert too."
"Is that so?" the still calm Irishman responds.
"I know how to rile this tosser." Says the third Englishman, staggering toward the Irishman, "Hey, did you know St Patrick was really an Englishman?"
The Irish guy casually looks up and says, "Yeah, so your mates were telling me."
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“Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive. |
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HalfMooner
Dingaling
Philippines
15831 Posts |
Posted - 09/11/2006 : 21:29:37 [Permalink]
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I stole it fair and square:
Two builders go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living. "I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder.
"Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal.
"Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man.
Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist."
"A what?" asked the builder.
"Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens."
"Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?"
"A pond" the builder replied.
"Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden." The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house."
"I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said proudly.
"Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..."
The builder nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children."
"Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life."
"Five nights a week!" the builder boasted.
The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't masturbate often."
"Never!" the builder exclaimed.
"Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!"
The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents.
On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?"
"Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist.
"A what?" the puzzled second builder asked.
"Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
"No" replied his mate.
"Well, you're a tosser then!"
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“Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive. |
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HalfMooner
Dingaling
Philippines
15831 Posts |
Posted - 09/11/2006 : 21:50:58 [Permalink]
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A dyslexic walks into a bra.
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“Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive. |
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HalfMooner
Dingaling
Philippines
15831 Posts |
Posted - 09/11/2006 : 23:05:43 [Permalink]
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Steal yourself for this:
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first says, "Yes, I'm positive."
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“Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive. |
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Dr. Mabuse
Septic Fiend
Sweden
9687 Posts |
Posted - 09/12/2006 : 13:37:17 [Permalink]
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| Great laughs, Halfmooner! Keep'em coming. |
Dr. Mabuse - "When the going gets tough, the tough get Duct-tape..."
Dr. Mabuse whisper.mp3
"Equivocation is not just a job, for a creationist it's a way of life..." Dr. Mabuse
Support American Troops in Iraq:
Send them unarmed civilians for target practice..
Collateralmurder. |
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HalfMooner
Dingaling
Philippines
15831 Posts |
Posted - 09/12/2006 : 14:22:29 [Permalink]
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Thanks, Mab! But you know that you are only encouraging me, right?
* * *
Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on.
It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy.
"Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.
"You're on!", says the first.
Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge.
The second guy hands the first guy the money.
"I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news."
"No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"
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“Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive. |
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HalfMooner
Dingaling
Philippines
15831 Posts |
Posted - 09/12/2006 : 14:29:34 [Permalink]
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A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and placed the same order for drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay, too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said "Darn! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife."
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“Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive. |
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Hawks
SFN Regular
Canada
1383 Posts |
Posted - 09/12/2006 : 14:39:20 [Permalink]
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quote:
A dyslexic walks into a bra.
Dyslexics of the world, untie!
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METHINKS IT IS LIKE A WEASEL
It's a small, off-duty czechoslovakian traffic warden! |
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HalfMooner
Dingaling
Philippines
15831 Posts |
Posted - 09/12/2006 : 14:48:26 [Permalink]
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A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
"It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
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“Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive. |
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HalfMooner
Dingaling
Philippines
15831 Posts |
Posted - 09/12/2006 : 16:21:30 [Permalink]
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Anybody else notice how often repetition is used in jokes? Over, and over, and over, again and again and again.
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“Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive. |
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