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HalfMooner
Dingaling
Philippines
15831 Posts |
 Posted - 04/13/2007 : 02:28:10
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With a bright flash, a sharp "bang!" and a puff of noxious sulfurous smoke, Kurt Vonnegut arrived in Hell.
Vonnegut found himself standing dressed, tieless, in a casual gray suit. There, in a large, white-walled parlor, sitting on wicker divans were Mark Twain and Ambrose Bierce. Ceiling fans rotated serenely above. Twain, eating from a leg of fried chicken, was attired in a white suit. Bierce wore black. Bierce was pouring bourbon for Twain.
"Well, speaking of the Devil!" remarked Bierce, setting down the bottle to flap a hand before his face. "Pyew! Kurt, you convey an odor like the black powder smoke that lingered after the bloody Battle of Tierra Blanca."
"Which is merely dear Ambrose's manner applied to complimenting you, and welcoming you to Hell. Greetings, Kurt. I'm Sam Clemens. I wrote under the nom de plume of Mark Twain. We are all on a first-name basis here in Hell, so please call me Sam. Even The Devil Himself is just 'The' to us. Mr. Ambrose 'Bitter' Bierce here and I were just discussing you and your remarkable life. It seems nearly everyone here's been looking forward to meeting you, since your ridiculous pratfall a few weeks ago. In the main, because you wrote so well, Kurt."
"I... I, of course, haven't had the pleasure of meeting you gentlemen," said a stunned Kurt Vonnegut. "But I've certainly enjoyed your writings."
Bierce glared first Twain, then at Vonnegut. Then he reached for a clean shot glass and began to pour a drink for the new arrival. "In Hell, we have time to keep up on current events. Sam was telling me that your traumatizing wartime experiences were worse than mine. We argued --"
"Quite bitterly," Twain interposed.
"-- about that," continued Bierce, "but I finally had to concede to Sam's argument that the wonderful improved technology that allowed the aerial firebombing of Dresden, with some thirty thousand deaths, was more traumatic on an objective scale that the horrors I witnessed at, for instance, the Battle of Shiloh. Oh, and I enjoyed your writing, too, Kurt. Thoughtfully, publishers send most of their remainders here. We stay very au currant here in Hell. As a noob, you'll have a lot to learn."
"On the flip side of that," added Twain, "I also had to concede. Ambrose's experiences could have equaled or exceeded your own, Kurt, at least on a subjective level."
"This is Hell?" asked Vonnegut. "I must say this is a surprise, being the freethinker that I am."
"Most freethinkers go to Hell," said Bierce. "Few would be happy singing songs praising God with those sanctimonious harpists in the other place, anyway."
"There's never a dull moment in Hell. We have an eternity to discuss the art of writing with all the best who ever wrote," smiled Twain. "And so it goes," he winked. "Welcome to the Monkey House, Kurt!"
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“Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive. |
Edited by - HalfMooner on 07/13/2007 04:36:17
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Boron10
Religion Moderator
USA
1266 Posts |
Posted - 04/13/2007 : 12:14:59 [Permalink]
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HalfMooner,
I know this isn't true because, to paraphrase Himself, "Kurt's in heaven now."
So it goes. |
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Siberia
SFN Addict
Brazil
2322 Posts |
Posted - 04/13/2007 : 12:26:32 [Permalink]
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This single line made me laugh so hard: Even The Devil Himself is just 'The' to us.
Great job, my dear, great job. As old Asimov said - Hell for the company. |
"Why are you afraid of something you're not even sure exists?"
- The Kovenant, Via Negativa
"People who don't like their beliefs being laughed at shouldn't have such funny beliefs."
-- unknown
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Dave W.
Info Junkie
USA
26034 Posts |
Posted - 04/13/2007 : 12:26:40 [Permalink]
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| Actually, I know it's not true because there's no photo of Vonnegut with Clemens and Bierce with a witty caption included in the story. |
- Dave W. (Private Msg, EMail)
Evidently, I rock!
Why not question something for a change?
Visit Dave's Psoriasis Info, too. |
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filthy
SFN Die Hard
USA
14408 Posts |
 Posted - 04/13/2007 : 13:01:41 [Permalink]
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Thanks, 'mooner...
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"What luck for rulers that men do not think." -- Adolf Hitler (1889 - 1945)
"If only we could impeach on the basis of criminal stupidity, 90% of the Rethuglicans and half of the Democrats would be thrown out of office." ~~ P.Z. Myres
"The default position of human nature is to punch the other guy in the face and take his stuff." ~~ Dude
Brother Boot Knife of Warm Humanitarianism,
and Crypto-Communist! 
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HalfMooner
Dingaling
Philippines
15831 Posts |
Posted - 04/13/2007 : 16:29:53 [Permalink]
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quote:
Originally posted by Dave W.
Actually, I know it's not true because there's no photo of Vonnegut with Clemens and Bierce with a witty caption included in the story.
I'll work on that.
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“Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive. |
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HalfMooner
Dingaling
Philippines
15831 Posts |
Posted - 07/13/2007 : 04:37:30 [Permalink]
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As promised months ago, I've finally done the illustration for the story.
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“Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive. |
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Chippewa
SFN Regular
USA
1496 Posts |
Posted - 07/13/2007 : 09:41:51 [Permalink]
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Thanks 'mooner. As good as the best Monty Python.
For added fun, check out Shaw's "Don Juan in Hell" from "Man and Superman – Act III" sometime. (Its a bit longer than your posting, but fun.) 
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Diversity, independence, innovation and imagination are progressive concepts ultimately alien to the conservative mind.
"TAX AND SPEND" IS GOOD! (TAX: Wealthy corporations who won't go poor even after taxes. SPEND: On public works programs, education, the environment, improvements.) |
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HalfMooner
Dingaling
Philippines
15831 Posts |
Posted - 07/13/2007 : 18:29:35 [Permalink]
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Originally posted by Chippewa
Thanks 'mooner. As good as the best Monty Python.
For added fun, check out Shaw's "Don Juan in Hell" from "Man and Superman – Act III" sometime. (Its a bit longer than your posting, but fun.)
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I've downloaded it, and will be reading it, thanks!
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“Biology is just physics that has begun to smell bad.” —HalfMooner
Here's a link to Moonscape News, and one to its Archive. |
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Vonnegut in Hell
