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Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
 Posted - 06/17/2003 : 15:13:50 [Permalink]
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When is a pillow like a mug of beer?
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When it has a head on it. |
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Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
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gezzam
SFN Regular
Australia
751 Posts |
Posted - 06/20/2003 : 11:18:44 [Permalink]
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quote:
Okay, so this grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "hey, we've got a drink named after you!" The grasshopper looks stunned, and asks, "you've got a drink named Earl?"
A horse walks into the bar, and the bartender looks at the horse and asks "Hey mate, why the long face???" |
Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unless it's a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from.
Al Franken |
| Edited by - gezzam on 06/20/2003 11:19:47 |
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Dave W.
Info Junkie
USA
26020 Posts |
Posted - 06/20/2003 : 22:46:08 [Permalink]
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These two guys walk into a bar... You would have thought the second one would have seen the first one hit it, but no.
On a completely different note: two old ladies went for a tramp in the woods, but he got away.
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- Dave W. (Private Msg, EMail)
Evidently, I rock!
Why not question something for a change?
Visit Dave's Psoriasis Info, too. |
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Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 07/21/2003 : 21:06:10 [Permalink]
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Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they
were both walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped
into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the Medical Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, he
immediately ordered her discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Edna the news he said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead ."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him up there to dry."
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walt fristoe
SFN Regular
USA
505 Posts |
Posted - 07/22/2003 : 10:15:09 [Permalink]
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| Dubya walks into a library and loudly asks the librarian, "Can I have a Cheeseburger and fries?" To which the librarian responds, "Sir, this is a library!" "Oh, sorry" whispers Dubya, "Can I have a cheeseburger and fries?" |
"If God chose George Bus of all the people in the world, how good could God be?"
Bill Maher |
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Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 07/22/2003 : 18:48:20 [Permalink]
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quote:
Originally posted by walt fristoe
Dubya walks into a library and loudly asks the librarian, "Can I have a Cheeseburger and fries?" To which the librarian responds, "Sir, this is a library!" "Oh, sorry" whispers Dubya, "Can I have a cheeseburger and fries?"
ROFLOL
You can't argue with the truth! |
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Julie_Bris
New Member
Australia
24 Posts |
Posted - 08/04/2003 : 16:28:13 [Permalink]
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On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a gas station in a remote part of the Irish coutryside.
The pump attendant, obviously who knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. “Top of the mornin' to yer, sir” says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
“What are those son?” asks the attendant.
“They're called tees” replies Tiger.
“Well, what on the good earth are they for?” inquires the Irishman.
“They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving”, says Tiger.
“Feckin Jaysus”, says the Irishman, “BMW thinks of everything!”
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My loathings are simple: stupidity, oppression, crime, cruelty, racism and arrogance. |
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Randy
SFN Regular
USA
1990 Posts |
Posted - 08/07/2003 : 19:50:08 [Permalink]
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| http://www.whitehouse.org/ |
"We are all connected; to each other biologically, to the earth chemically, to the rest of the universe atomically."
"So you're made of detritus [from exploded stars]. Get over it. Or better yet, celebrate it. After all, what nobler thought can one cherish than that the universe lives within us all?"
-Neil DeGrasse Tyson |
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Espritch
Skeptic Friend
USA
284 Posts |
Posted - 08/13/2003 : 20:37:01 [Permalink]
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A drunk man who reeked of Rum sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half bottle of Rum was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, d'ya know what causes arthritis?"
"Yes, my son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked
women, drinking too much alcohol, having contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes, lack of bath, and things like
that......."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized saying: "I'm very sorry. Look, I didn't mean to come on so strongly. How long have you had arthritis?"
"Aw' I've never had it Father. I was just readin' here that the Pope
does..."
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Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 10/17/2003 : 18:27:41 [Permalink]
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Quiz: Are You a Real Man?
1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers
3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss SportsCenter
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra
6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Appetiser is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.
If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.
If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.
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Snake
SFN Addict
USA
2511 Posts |
Posted - 11/11/2003 : 16:16:21 [Permalink]
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There was an elderly, pious Jew praying at the Western ("Wailing") Wall in Jerusalem. After observing him mumbling for several hours, a tourist asks him, "Reb, what have you been praying for?"
"I've been praying for world peace," answers the black clad worshiper. "And how does that make you feel?" asks the tourist.
"Like I'm talking to a wall." |
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Kil
Evil Skeptic
USA
13476 Posts |
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Starman
SFN Regular
Sweden
1613 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2003 : 02:38:35 [Permalink]
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Use google to search for "miserable failure"
Note the first result
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LouWags
New Member
USA
5 Posts |
Posted - 12/11/2003 : 13:57:56 [Permalink]
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There are only 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don't
--Wag--
My sincere apologies for posting an oldie! |
Question everything. Resist brainwashing. Believe nothing. Learn forever. |
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